One of those ongoing lessons
Well, im sitting here on a sore butt- gee shock and surprise. i cant say that i am still feeling bad about my actions that caused me to get the spanking, because in getting spanked, i know that i was forgiven and that my slate is clean. What i am sitting here thinking about is what goes on in my head that even allows me to make the silly choices i often make, especially knowing how i will feel after i have made them.
ok, so to elaborate- G and i were goofing around and i was being playful- all of which is ok to do. But then i swatted her- like 3 times over the course of 10 to 15 minutes. Despite Her warning me not to, and even despite my own brain telling me not to, i went ahead and did it anyway. Now there are some people who will say that this is "ageplay" but i know that it isnt. Immature- yes. Appropriate- absolutely not. Alot of times i try and psychoanalize myself to try and find my motivations for my actions (or inactions) so that i can better understand me and make changes. But the more i sit and think about this, the more i am realizing that there is no need for all this "self-therapy". What it seems to come down to is simply that i made a very poor choice. i knew better, and i chose to do it- even though i already knew how disrespectful it was. And this is where i come back to feeling bad. See, im actually getting to a point of being ok with making not so great choices sometimes- i mean, hey...we all do that every now and then. But what on earth possesses me to make that kind of choice about someone i love and respect so deeply? And what's even worse, we all know that actions speak louder than words, and now im thinking that G might get it in her head that i dont respect her- which is SO not the case.
So, all this rambling and im still sitting here on a sore butt wishing i could go back and change my interaction with G. i know i cant change the past, i can only make better choices for the future- i just am scared that i will make these really poor choices and sabotage this most wonderful relationship....can someone please help me remove that part of my brain which allows me to make these icky choices? i'll swap part for part, so long as you dont give me a piece of brain that operates ickier than this piece of mine.... :)
HUGS y'all
randi
ok, so to elaborate- G and i were goofing around and i was being playful- all of which is ok to do. But then i swatted her- like 3 times over the course of 10 to 15 minutes. Despite Her warning me not to, and even despite my own brain telling me not to, i went ahead and did it anyway. Now there are some people who will say that this is "ageplay" but i know that it isnt. Immature- yes. Appropriate- absolutely not. Alot of times i try and psychoanalize myself to try and find my motivations for my actions (or inactions) so that i can better understand me and make changes. But the more i sit and think about this, the more i am realizing that there is no need for all this "self-therapy". What it seems to come down to is simply that i made a very poor choice. i knew better, and i chose to do it- even though i already knew how disrespectful it was. And this is where i come back to feeling bad. See, im actually getting to a point of being ok with making not so great choices sometimes- i mean, hey...we all do that every now and then. But what on earth possesses me to make that kind of choice about someone i love and respect so deeply? And what's even worse, we all know that actions speak louder than words, and now im thinking that G might get it in her head that i dont respect her- which is SO not the case.
So, all this rambling and im still sitting here on a sore butt wishing i could go back and change my interaction with G. i know i cant change the past, i can only make better choices for the future- i just am scared that i will make these really poor choices and sabotage this most wonderful relationship....can someone please help me remove that part of my brain which allows me to make these icky choices? i'll swap part for part, so long as you dont give me a piece of brain that operates ickier than this piece of mine.... :)
HUGS y'all
randi
posted by oreo at
23:57
1 Comments:
I'm very sympathetic. I am. :)
But I'm laughing too.
I was just having this similiar interchange with The-One-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named about how...one minute we can be just "equals" in a way, normal interchanges and then....in the midst of playful banter, I'll find myself crossing a line, and it is too late to put the breaks on. Warnings don't work either, as I'll go mutinous and defiant.
I've done the whole headtrip too, "I was testing fences to see if there is consistency" to "I was testing Him to push him away...".
Bleah.
He has a theory that I do it to find my security or that I am unconsciously wanting a spanking. I can't very well validate this line of logic either, can I?
It sounds like MsO isn't an ogre though and it is past you. :)
Cheers,
poiesia
P.S. Sometimes I wonder if witholding a spanking would have greater effect on spankos...course, that brings on its own torments...
By
me, at 8:20 AM
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