Defining myself

So, what does it mean to me to be me? How do i see myself, how do i define myself? This has been eating at me for a little while now, and it's time for me to start sorting through this.

i am a girl. ok, a woman. Not really sure what that means though. i was never safe being a girl, so now i have to learn how to be ok with not only being a girl, but being an adult girl...aka a woman. i guess it means dressing nicely, and taking some pride in how i look. i also think it means being responsible for my actions. it means being accountable- either to myself or to my Domme, but accountable. Well, i guess that is more of being an adult rather than being a woman, but i suppose it falls into the same or similar category. Being a woman does not mean i am vulnerable all the time. It does not make me weak, and it does not mean i will be raped again. My body is mine (well, except for the ownership that G has), but even that ownership was given freely by me to Her. my body is ours to be cared for and cherished and loved- to be treated gently and affectionately, and to be punished physically when it's called for.

i am a daughter. my mother is a wonderful woman who has cared for me. It is time for me to now start caring for her. It is time for me to stop relying on her and her generosity for my survival. i am smart, and i am competant and i am able to support myself financially. it is time i start doing so so that i can take care of my mother as she has taken care of me.

i am a caregiver. i spend my days with my little love Lauren, and i care for her very much. she has entered into my heart and i love to see her smiling face every day. Days without her leave me feeling a small void- a kind of sadness that i didnt know i could feel over a child. i'm not sure what has come over me, but i like the way it feels. i like feeling needed by that sweet little child. it's amazing to me to know that my arms can offer her security when she gets scared, or "pussed at" by her Momma or Daddy. i have never been a caregiver to a human. cats and dogs, yes...little girls, no. it is amazing to me to be a part of her daily life, and i worry so much that i will do something wrong or teach her something bad. i worry that i will be a negative influence on her. i find myself having to learn how to talk and how to think and how to be positive and encouraging- it's very easy for me to find the negative in her- BUT my goal is to retrain my eyes so that i can see all the positives. She is so beautiful and so loving and so caring. i hope i can care for her the way she deserves.

i am a friend. i have a few close friends in my life. they mean alot to me, and i need to make sure that i have time for them. while i have started to separate myself from toxic people, i still have people that i enjoy having in my life. i need to be there for them, and to maintain those relationships because they are the people that will be with me throughout my life.

i am a submissive. i belong to G- and i like it that way. i have given myself to Her. i am Her friend, Her confidant, Her anything-she-wants-me-to-be. And She is my Domme. She has my heart, She has my thoughts, She has my best interest at Her heart. She cares for me. She loves me. i like the person i am when i am with Her. When i am serving Her i feel whole. i feel complete. Like, the piece i have always searched for fits in so perfectly. i see myself as an individual- able to define myself without this part of me, and without Her- BUT, that self would feel incomplete. it would feel as if something were missing without this part of my life. i used to feel that i could only experience this through age-play, but what i have discovered is that age-play was the path that led me to be able to heal the little girl in me to be able to become the adult submissive that i am. i do not call G Mistress- there is too much of a slavery connotation to that. But i respect Her and i love Her and i give all of myself to Her. i have a strong will that needs to be kept in check, and i have an independent streak that is great for adventures, but often gets me into trouble. i know that i can trust in Her to keep me safe and in-line, but yet, allow me to make choices and mistakes and continue to grow as a person.

that is only a part of me- but a good start i think. some positives, some negatives...but all a part of me. what makes me unique. i used to think unique was a bad thing, but as i get older, i realize that there are so many cardboard cut-out people in this world, so the more "me" i can be, the better. The world doesnt need anymore cardboard. But the world needs the best me i can offer.