Letting go

Miss Gretchen told me that it seems like i am going through a divorce with everything that is happening with my "father". And you know what? i think she's right. Somewhere along the line, i fell in love with him. i would have married him had he asked me. i just wanted to be able to be with him. But he is toxic for me. Oh, i think he does love me. And i think he does care about what happens to me. But i also think that he is too mixed up to be much use to anyone. i think that maybe he and i were both seeking something that neither one of us could find in each other. We took what we could from the relationship, we gave what we could, but ultimately, neither of us could be what the other needed or wanted- no matter how hard we tried. There were things that he did that were abusive to me- i dont need to list them here, but it wasnt physical, and i didnt see it at the time. But looking back, i realize just how ridiculous some of what he asked of me was. He asked me to accept "seconds" all the time. And like a fool, i did it willingly. i was so desperate for a father's love that it didnt matter that i was responding to his demands the same way i responded to Elaine and Bill growing up- basically "my needs are less important than yours, so i will conform myself to what you want me to be."

For the first time i am really seeing how despite the fact i love him and miss him and wish he was in my daily life, i am so much healthier and better off without him there. i will never be able to claim that he doesnt care for me or love me, i only just have to acknowledge that he isnt really my father. That what we tried to have was a nice fantasy life, but reality seeped in somewhere along the way, and that is what i am left to face. It kinda sucks, because i did like feeling that i had a father who cared about me. And in many ways, i will always call him my father when i talk to people about him, because that is all i really know him as. But, deep down, i know that it was truly a fantasy that we tried to have for each other. It makes my sad to lose that.

But sadness is something that i can deal with. It takes time, and there is no magic formula, but in time i know it will lessen and eventually go away. Right now, i have to put away everything that reminds me of him- not throw away, just put away. Because i know that down the road, i will want to be able to take those things out and remember a time of being his little girl with fondness and smiles. And i will be able to do that. Just not today.