thoughts

what is it about this kink? why is it that it is as addictive as any drug? if i go too long without a long spanking, without a major endorphin rush, i get moody, cranky, grumpy, distant, short-temered...i don't like what i become. but i dont know how to counter it either. it's like PMS without actually having a period.

i love being a subbie. i love the life i have with G. i love testing the limits and reaching new highs. the downs are rough though. right now i am in a down. i use little bitty orgasms to try and quench the desire, but it doesnt work. nothing can take the place of the rush of a spanking. nothing.

in fact, trying to use orgasms to substitute actually has a counter-productive outcome. i dont like to be in control of those feelings- i dont want to be allowed to do that- i dont like taking that control or having that control. so not only do i feel the need for the spanking, i feel the guilt for experiencing the orgasm. what a dilemma, huh?