Today is a bad day
OK, i'm just going to announce right off the bat that i am feeling very down right now. i am not happy-go-lucky randi this evening, and i wont even pretend to try and be. i am sad, i am angry, i am hurting and i need to just write.
ok, now, in all fairness, before i even start, i did talk to eddie today and we had an ok conversation. but i called him because when G and he and i went out for breakfast i was just so mean to him with my verbal jabs that it actually created friction between G and i. common sense prevaled, and i did call to apologize for my behavior, but the ultimate feelings that triggered that behavior are still inside.
So, here's the whole story- i moved in with G and E last summer. i was living in the guest room, i contributed financially to the whole house, and he was supposed to be fixing up the guest house for me to move into (which incidentially is located just a few feet from the backdoor of the main house). Since E and G were together, it was only natural that he was involved in the spanking and a little of the discipline. But what i realized was that it was more of a game to him, so the discipline with him went away, and really he was someone in the bedroom. He seemed to like me well enough to take part in the erotic stuff, and truth be told, i loved him and it felt good, so it was tea for three, if you get my drift. He and i were like sweethearts. i did not want to marry him, but i loved him. i truly loved him and i know that he loved me. While he and i never actually had sex, i allowed him to do things to me that i have never allowed any other man to do - i trusted him enough to share myself with him. so when he met that woman (whom shall be called hogatha) and started seeing her, i felt like he cheated on me to almost the same level he cheated on G. it wasnt exactly the same, because my relationship with him was different than the one he shared with G, but still....i felt like he cheated on me. On us. On the whole family.
Now, i know that it isnt my job to take on what i am about to do here, but it's almost like i cant help it. i am very protective of G and lauren. Prolly too much so, but they are feelings that i can't just turn off. So, in trying to deal with everything, in trying to let G heal, and help lauren adjust, i shoved my own anger down and refused to acknowledge any of the feelings. Sometimes they slipped out and i would shed a tear or find myself missing him, but mostly, i forced the hurt to stay away. i was trying to be strong for G and lauren, and i wanted to maintain my own strength for my own sense of security. and for the most part, that worked- but the past several days have come to bite me in the ass, and i am now forced to deal with my feelings.
So, today i was really really mean to him. Like "stick the knife in and turn" mean. I actually wasnt meaning to be- it just sorta happened. But G doesnt need that kind of headache, and i ended up calling him and apologizing and we talked for maybe 10 minutes. i cried alot. i told him how hurt i have been and how i go back and forth between wanting to curl up and snuggle and cry on his shoulder to wanting to smack him. it was actually good to get some of this out. i still have a shitloead more to sort through, but it's like when you first open a soda bottle and you get the loud, strong release of pressure- well, that is what today was. i'm exhausted- mentally anyways. i'm sad and i have so many more tears. all i want is to be held so i can cry, but i dont think i can ask G for that right now. She needs to be strong for herself, so i think i might have to just go this one alone. OK, maybe not toally alone, but i just dont want to be a burden to her.
well, ive rambled and i think im going to go and put on my jammies and get ready for bed.
ok, now, in all fairness, before i even start, i did talk to eddie today and we had an ok conversation. but i called him because when G and he and i went out for breakfast i was just so mean to him with my verbal jabs that it actually created friction between G and i. common sense prevaled, and i did call to apologize for my behavior, but the ultimate feelings that triggered that behavior are still inside.
So, here's the whole story- i moved in with G and E last summer. i was living in the guest room, i contributed financially to the whole house, and he was supposed to be fixing up the guest house for me to move into (which incidentially is located just a few feet from the backdoor of the main house). Since E and G were together, it was only natural that he was involved in the spanking and a little of the discipline. But what i realized was that it was more of a game to him, so the discipline with him went away, and really he was someone in the bedroom. He seemed to like me well enough to take part in the erotic stuff, and truth be told, i loved him and it felt good, so it was tea for three, if you get my drift. He and i were like sweethearts. i did not want to marry him, but i loved him. i truly loved him and i know that he loved me. While he and i never actually had sex, i allowed him to do things to me that i have never allowed any other man to do - i trusted him enough to share myself with him. so when he met that woman (whom shall be called hogatha) and started seeing her, i felt like he cheated on me to almost the same level he cheated on G. it wasnt exactly the same, because my relationship with him was different than the one he shared with G, but still....i felt like he cheated on me. On us. On the whole family.
Now, i know that it isnt my job to take on what i am about to do here, but it's almost like i cant help it. i am very protective of G and lauren. Prolly too much so, but they are feelings that i can't just turn off. So, in trying to deal with everything, in trying to let G heal, and help lauren adjust, i shoved my own anger down and refused to acknowledge any of the feelings. Sometimes they slipped out and i would shed a tear or find myself missing him, but mostly, i forced the hurt to stay away. i was trying to be strong for G and lauren, and i wanted to maintain my own strength for my own sense of security. and for the most part, that worked- but the past several days have come to bite me in the ass, and i am now forced to deal with my feelings.
So, today i was really really mean to him. Like "stick the knife in and turn" mean. I actually wasnt meaning to be- it just sorta happened. But G doesnt need that kind of headache, and i ended up calling him and apologizing and we talked for maybe 10 minutes. i cried alot. i told him how hurt i have been and how i go back and forth between wanting to curl up and snuggle and cry on his shoulder to wanting to smack him. it was actually good to get some of this out. i still have a shitloead more to sort through, but it's like when you first open a soda bottle and you get the loud, strong release of pressure- well, that is what today was. i'm exhausted- mentally anyways. i'm sad and i have so many more tears. all i want is to be held so i can cry, but i dont think i can ask G for that right now. She needs to be strong for herself, so i think i might have to just go this one alone. OK, maybe not toally alone, but i just dont want to be a burden to her.
well, ive rambled and i think im going to go and put on my jammies and get ready for bed.
posted by oreo at
19:31
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