things to think about

So, today something interesting happened. i have been challenging G lately- like deliberately going against her. Now when i did this in the past the usual pattern followed- me being blatantly disrespectful, the person in charge beating the crap outta me, me crying, them forgiving, and life going on. So, today when we were out, i was getting a little too ahead of myself and told her that i was just gonna start NOT doing what i was told. Not so much because i wanted a spanking, but more to see what she would do. And do you know what she did- nothing. Thats right she didnt DO anything. BUT- do you know what she said??? She said that yes, i could make that choice and not do as i was told and not respect her authority as my Domme, and she would simply make me take off my collar and put it in the jewelry box for a week- to remind me what it is like to not have it. that scared me. just thinking of that makes me cry. i held back the tears sitting at the table so she would not see my reaction, but deep down, im sure she knew.

and that has me thinking- it has me remembering why i choose to live the life i do. it is a choice i make everyday- to willingly give myself to Her. it is a choice i can stop making whenever i want to, but the reality is, i dont want to make that choice. so what then is going on that has me acting the way that i have been? i wish i could figure out the answer.

i do know that i am unhappy with my body with my weight, my looks, my whole. i am falling into that trap of "i hate my looks so i think i'll eat which makes me fatter and able to hate myself more." oh how productive and healthy this is. i hate that i dont get off my ass and exercise. i sometimes wish i was not around (not dead, just not around) so that my problems dont become other people's problems. i wish i interacted better with lauren- that i didnt feel so inadequate as a caregiver. i am very down on myself and i cant say i know why. i know that PMS prolly has something to do with it, cause i do get this way each month, but this time it's different. i'm stuck in this spiral and not sure how to get out.

i have started looking at OA (Overeaters Anon) online and have actually given this some serious thought. There must be something wrong with me because i have always felt like this type of thing was for schmucks who couldnt just get their shit together- almost like using a group like that is a weakness and saying "see, i'm not able to do anything for myself." So i let these thoughts of inadequacy flow freely through me- feeding them with junk food, and fast food and a great big side order of self-loathing...oh how my demon is enjoying this feast. and the worst part is, i dont feel strong enough to fight the demon today. maybe tomorrow, but not today.

i feel weak lately- i think mostly that is due to fear. i get so scared when i think about being successful at anything- karate, weight, school, job, relationships- i feel like i am not supposed to succeed, like if i do i wont be able to handle it- so i make sure i dont do well. i put up obstacles and make life miserable for myself, and then have the nerve to be surprised when i'm still fat, still under-or unemployed or no longer wanted as a sub or friend or whatever...NOT that G has made any indications of that at all- in case someone is thinking that. honestly, i think about being thin, and it scares me- i mean, i have always been fat except for maybe a year here or there, and what if i get thin and still hate myself? see, i'm doing it already- all i did was look up a dumb website and i'm already talking myself out of even bothering....sometimes i just wanna throw my hands up and say "why bother anymore" and then i think about the reality of doing that, and i dont like that either- so what now????