being ok is a better place to be
OK, so it's been a few days since my bravery post. And honestly, despite the fact that i was asked to remove it by someone, i am choosing not to. G left it up to me, and i honestly feel that what i did was brave, for myself and for others. if one other woman can find some strength because of what i have posted and shared, then doesnt that make it all worth it? and if no other woman finds strength it in, well, it honestly doesnt matter, because i did. and i do.
when i was molested as a child, i lost a self-respect that had only just begun to form. i felt dirty and ashamed of what was between my legs. i felt that all i was good for was to be alan's toy. his personal play-thing. i felt so dirty every time i saw him. i would come home and try to scrub away at myself. i remember one time i used a brillo pad until i bled. it didnt matter- i still felt dirty. i was ashamed of myself. i thought that i was a horrible person because i "let him" do those things to me. i felt that my body was dirty and disusting and that my breasts were nothing but another way for him to hurt me. i used to wrap my chest in ace bandages to try and make it smaller. i used belts and tape and anything i could find to make it go away. i did that off and on for years. i still think about reduction surgery to take them away.
for so long i have tried to pretend that i was a non-sexual being. that if i left it all alone and tried to forget about it all those feelings and desires would just simply go away. and they did. for awhile. but they were never totally gone. it had to happen that i would reach a point in my own healing where being the sexual being that God created would rise to the surface. and i am going to have to be ok with that. however i need to do that, well, i simply have to allow it to be ok.
i used to think that if i needed money, i would just be a prostitute. i mean, what difference did it make if some guy stuck himself up inside me? isnt that all a pussy is good for anyway? for some guy to stick his dick in and enjoy himself? i mean, it didnt matter if i liked it, or if it felt good to me....but i am realizing how bullshit that point of view is. it's my damn pussy. it's mine to share or keep to myself. it's mine to touch and play with and enjoy, and mine to allow others to play with FOR MY ENJOYMENT! what a break-through! 34 years into this life, and i'm finally figuring that out. better late than never i suppose.
healing is a tough thing. it's a process that seems to take forever. there are steps forward and steps back. hopefully more of the former and fewer of the latter. in my case, i believe that is so. i am making progress- i am healing more and more each day. i am finding me. i am learning to be ok with me. maybe i will even be able to like me. well, that might be pushing it. but hey, being ok more often than not is better than the self-loathing that has filled my every waking moment for so long. so, i guess being ok is a better place to be.
when i was molested as a child, i lost a self-respect that had only just begun to form. i felt dirty and ashamed of what was between my legs. i felt that all i was good for was to be alan's toy. his personal play-thing. i felt so dirty every time i saw him. i would come home and try to scrub away at myself. i remember one time i used a brillo pad until i bled. it didnt matter- i still felt dirty. i was ashamed of myself. i thought that i was a horrible person because i "let him" do those things to me. i felt that my body was dirty and disusting and that my breasts were nothing but another way for him to hurt me. i used to wrap my chest in ace bandages to try and make it smaller. i used belts and tape and anything i could find to make it go away. i did that off and on for years. i still think about reduction surgery to take them away.
for so long i have tried to pretend that i was a non-sexual being. that if i left it all alone and tried to forget about it all those feelings and desires would just simply go away. and they did. for awhile. but they were never totally gone. it had to happen that i would reach a point in my own healing where being the sexual being that God created would rise to the surface. and i am going to have to be ok with that. however i need to do that, well, i simply have to allow it to be ok.
i used to think that if i needed money, i would just be a prostitute. i mean, what difference did it make if some guy stuck himself up inside me? isnt that all a pussy is good for anyway? for some guy to stick his dick in and enjoy himself? i mean, it didnt matter if i liked it, or if it felt good to me....but i am realizing how bullshit that point of view is. it's my damn pussy. it's mine to share or keep to myself. it's mine to touch and play with and enjoy, and mine to allow others to play with FOR MY ENJOYMENT! what a break-through! 34 years into this life, and i'm finally figuring that out. better late than never i suppose.
healing is a tough thing. it's a process that seems to take forever. there are steps forward and steps back. hopefully more of the former and fewer of the latter. in my case, i believe that is so. i am making progress- i am healing more and more each day. i am finding me. i am learning to be ok with me. maybe i will even be able to like me. well, that might be pushing it. but hey, being ok more often than not is better than the self-loathing that has filled my every waking moment for so long. so, i guess being ok is a better place to be.
posted by oreo at
14:20
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