Everything in it's own time
So, yesterday i had some really emotional shit going on. i cried, i cleaned, i cried more, i cleaned more...hell, our house is looking great! G said maybe we will do another TPE soon, and i looked at her and saod "oh sure, you just want the house clean." ;)
Seriously though, this post is probably going to go all over the place because my mind is a big pile of mush right now. A few days ago, someone i know sent me a link for this people finder thing. it's not something i would ordinarily look at, but for some reason i clicked on it. i did a name search for Alan, and wouldnt you know it- up popped his name top on the list. i had found a way to email this guy if i could just give this web site to 20 of my closest friends (or whatever 20 emails i could find- lol), so i did. Again, not something i usually do, but what the hell- i was thinking i could get ahold of him and tell him how much he hurt me, how horrible my life has been, call him names, whatever. And up until yesterday, i would have. Well, i just went into my email, and guess what- there is was sitting in my inbox- a reply from him. Alan. That's all the subject line said. Just Alan. You know what- I dont think he has any idea that his teenage dick did to me what it did. And ya know what else- i put that part of our life in the grave yesterday. This is a new day. A new start. i dont know that he and i will be the best of friends, but his email was so pleasant, and he was thoroughly thrilled to hear from me.
So, i wrote back. Very nice, and caught him up on the past 16 years, and ya know, i have no desire to even talk to him about the past. That part is gone. i may still have some healing to do, and maybe i might have to talk to him about it, but there is no compelling feeling to do so, or a deep desire to beat the everloving shit out of him. Not anymore. i guess maybe Jesus is working through me and in me- because all i feel for him is compassion and a desire to be his friend. He and i have a long history- some good, some not so good- and you know what- there are too many people in this world who want to shit all over us, isnt it good to know that we dont have to shit back? i cant even belive i'm saying this, but as i released so much yesterday, i guess a new inner peace is settling, and i am letting go- i am healing. i am protecting that little girl with everything i have, because she will never have to be afraid again- but i am an adult. i am safe and i am loved and i can love others. Even others who have hurt me. i guess i learned that from all the garbage with Elaine and Bill (long story for those who dont know- but i'll tell more about them later).
i guess things really do happen for a reason, and even when it isnt obvious, i suppose they all play out in the end the way they are supposed to.
that's it for now. but i still have more inside me. so much to process- thankfully i have the time to do it.
Seriously though, this post is probably going to go all over the place because my mind is a big pile of mush right now. A few days ago, someone i know sent me a link for this people finder thing. it's not something i would ordinarily look at, but for some reason i clicked on it. i did a name search for Alan, and wouldnt you know it- up popped his name top on the list. i had found a way to email this guy if i could just give this web site to 20 of my closest friends (or whatever 20 emails i could find- lol), so i did. Again, not something i usually do, but what the hell- i was thinking i could get ahold of him and tell him how much he hurt me, how horrible my life has been, call him names, whatever. And up until yesterday, i would have. Well, i just went into my email, and guess what- there is was sitting in my inbox- a reply from him. Alan. That's all the subject line said. Just Alan. You know what- I dont think he has any idea that his teenage dick did to me what it did. And ya know what else- i put that part of our life in the grave yesterday. This is a new day. A new start. i dont know that he and i will be the best of friends, but his email was so pleasant, and he was thoroughly thrilled to hear from me.
So, i wrote back. Very nice, and caught him up on the past 16 years, and ya know, i have no desire to even talk to him about the past. That part is gone. i may still have some healing to do, and maybe i might have to talk to him about it, but there is no compelling feeling to do so, or a deep desire to beat the everloving shit out of him. Not anymore. i guess maybe Jesus is working through me and in me- because all i feel for him is compassion and a desire to be his friend. He and i have a long history- some good, some not so good- and you know what- there are too many people in this world who want to shit all over us, isnt it good to know that we dont have to shit back? i cant even belive i'm saying this, but as i released so much yesterday, i guess a new inner peace is settling, and i am letting go- i am healing. i am protecting that little girl with everything i have, because she will never have to be afraid again- but i am an adult. i am safe and i am loved and i can love others. Even others who have hurt me. i guess i learned that from all the garbage with Elaine and Bill (long story for those who dont know- but i'll tell more about them later).
i guess things really do happen for a reason, and even when it isnt obvious, i suppose they all play out in the end the way they are supposed to.
that's it for now. but i still have more inside me. so much to process- thankfully i have the time to do it.
posted by oreo at
14:13
5 Comments:
I call BULLSHIT!
Who one day buries their abuser only to look them up. The bogus "I dont do this" again I call BULLSHIT. As long as you let him in he is there. PERIOD.
Go get some real therapy. It works. That much I do know.
By
Anonymous, at 12:49 AM
Hmmm, big words from someone too afraid to sign their name.
Let me go back for just a moment- i had tried to find him BEFORE the TPE. i had given up hope in being able to tell the fucker just how i felt. Then the TPE, then his email reply. Following? Or is this too complicated for you?
Now, as for the real therapy.....well, let's see- i spent 5 years in my childhood with a "real therapist" who sat back and watched me try to commit suicide. Wow, ever so helpful. I spent 10 more years seeing a wonderful therapist who helped me make GREAT STRIDES to being healthy, but was so adamantly against anything spanking that I could not continue working with her. So, do i think that there is a place for "spanking therapy"- YOU BET YOUR ASS!
And if you do know about real therapy, then you will also know that the abuser is always with you- forever and ever...the only difference is how you carry him (or her- in your case) with you. Alan will always be a part of me- i am choosing to make it a postive rather than dwell on the negative.
By
oreo, at 12:58 AM
For starters, I am not afraid of anything. I went anonymous on purpose. Its not only me that felt this way. I am the only one to say it. As for me following along? Girl, Please. I do not really care how the wording is I still say BULLSHIT. But if you like the way its working for you, then OK, I seriously thought you wanted people to come to your site. Not to worry, it can be avoided. Just like child porn and child sextrade industry is. If you really wanted to make a difference, you would fight like hell to have this man ruined like he did you. For the next child behind you. You cant possibly think you are his only victim do you?
By
Anonymous, at 12:21 PM
I'm sorry, did I forget to mention that he himself was a teenager when all this happened? He and his 14 year old dick took advantage of my young self. What kind of person would I be if I ruined him now? Holy shit- he was a kid- not much older than I. I'm not gonna ruin his life because of hormones! He and i may talk about all this some day, we may not. Either way, we are both moving forward- which is all I can hope for others as well.
PS- I still think it's cowardice to leave a comment like this unsigned.
By
oreo, at 3:44 PM
oh, and by the way, you DO NOT have to be the spokes-person for everyone else. If others feel the same, then they should take the time to air their own opinions.
Hopefully they will have the courage to sign their name.
By
oreo, at 3:46 PM
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