post-birthday thoughts

Well, i'm 2 days into my 34th year of life, and i can honestly say that i dont feel any older or wiser. i do however feel loved and wanted and safe and secure- so, i'll definately take that. Have you ever had one of those moments where you have so much to say, but dont really know where to start saying it? Well, this is one of those days. Oh, no need for panic- just lots of thoughts running through my head. Gee, what a shock and surprise, huh?

i am a little scared about this whole business venture and another move into a new house. Now, dont misunderstand me, it's not regrets. No. It's more like just fears that come when changes are happening. And that can happen when the changes are good or bad. And these changes are all very positive. Just stressful. And we all know how that can be.

i am fighting a monster. Nothing new. It's an inside monster that G has called "my disease." It sounds like having a period...lol But really, it's this skill that i have acquired of beating myself up and treating myself like garbage and thinking i dont deserve anything "nice" when i have done something wrong, or acted in a way i dont like...well, this is very very very self-destructive, and i'm tired of it. i know G doesnt like it, and she is helping me identify it when it goes through my head, and she is encouraging me to learn to tell it to leave me alone- that there is no room in my life for this disease. And i am trying. i keep stumbling over the idea that this way of thinking is a disease that happens to live in me, NOT a disease that makes me. i dont know if that made sense. But what i mean is that i am so used to having that ugly voice in my head, that constant self-berating coming from within, it's almost like losing myself. Right now i want to say "doesnt that sound dumb?" but i know that that is just another way i allow this disease to beat me down. My sarcastic humor is that too- for instance, i was just about to type something like "greeeaaatttt, so i've identified the beast- score one for me...now if i could just do something about it." But, gee, i'm not so sure that allowing myself to fall into those traps are a great idea either. It's so easy to do. i really do hope that i can learn how to get past all of it- no, i mean work through it so that i can break down the obstacles and leave the piles of debris on the road behind me.

G told me that she wants me to identify this disease. She wants me to name it and give it a form so that i can work on killing it off. She told me that this is not a huge monster that is so overpowering i can't do anything, and i am trying so hard to believe that. But every time i try and picture this disease, and try and give it a form, it just gets bigger and scarier looking. For cryin out loud, i'm a black belt...things dont scare me easily, and my mind is preying on the fears in there, and it's doing a great job creating this big scary monster that i could never overpower. And see, the annoying part is that the rational person in my brain knows that it's the dieseases way of keeping a stronghold on me. i only wish i could figure out how to get the rest of me functioning under the same information. Did you ever see the movie "Bug's Life"? Well, if you did, then you know the part where at the end the ants all realize that they can overpower the grasshoppers? Well, i have not reached that part yet. i am teetering on it, but something is holding me back. Hopefully i can figure out what it is so that i can move forward....