i hear the train....

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
*Will Rogers

Have you ever seen one of those old movies where the woman is tied to the track and she can only look at the camera with wide eyes and scream into the bandana shoved into her mouth? Well, that's how i'm feeling. Helpless against this freight train that is speeding toward me and praying that someone will happen along and rescue me from the impending doom.

i feel like this "disease" is in charge of me, and i dont have the ability to take control of it. Right now, G is taking charge of it, like not letting me be "blah" all day, and that is a tremendous help. It goes under the category of "fake it til ya make it." Right now though, i really worry that i wont be able to defeat this thing that has lived inside me for so long. i find myself hepling it survive despite the fact that i really do want to kill it off. And then i get mad at myself for allowing that, and the cycle starts again...it's so much easier to be negative about myself. i keep trying to tell myself that i learned how to be hurtful toward myself, and that i need to not only unlearn those instinctual behaviors, but i need to give myself time to replace them with loving and caring (or at a minimum tolerating) feelings and behaviors. i just hope i'm strong enough to do this. Right now, i dont feel that i am. All i can see right now is the train headed toward me as i lay helplessly tied to the track.