Did ya ever.....
Did ya ever feels everything and nothing? Did ya ever feel like imploding and exploding at the same time? Did ya ever feel like a sea of everything was coursing through you so you had no choice but to just shut down? Yeah? Me too....
5 pregnancy tests later and over a month late for my period, the tests say no, but then what is going on? oh well- whatever it ends up being will be fine. i just wish it would be something so that maybe my hormones would stop doing what they are doing. i have been PMSing for about a month now- i must be a real joy to live with. i'm surprised G hasnt killed me by now- or at least beat me to death and dared me to die! thank God she is tolerant and understanding- we would never be able to exist if she wasn't.
i have been having really bad dreams lately- things like giving birth to the anti-christ, spewing out filth and such, almost like from the exorcist, fighting with everyone, losing my job, losing my friends, losing my animals, just being totally alone and isolated and cut off from everything.
my depression drugs do not seem to counter this. i am still taking them, because i know deep down that this is my demon. i am under attack and i am growing weak with the battle. i sit here on the verge of tears all the time. i wanted to believe my period was starting- week after week i have told myself it is PMS and to just get through the day....but i'm tired. my fight weak- my ability to confront my demon right now has me paralized with fear. i can't seem to break the binds i am in. i know that this too shall pass, and i know that G can help me find the strength, or if not, then she can just stand in front of me with a sword in her hand and fight off the demon while i catch my breath- and that is what keeps me going. that is what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning.
i cut my hair. it is shorter than shoulder length, and i feel ugly right now. i believe G when she tells me that it is flattering, i honestly do. but when i look in the mirror, all i see is grotesqueness looking back at me. again, i know this is my demon, and i know that what i see in myself is so distorted, so i trust in her. i trust in our love, in our relationship to know that i am not the hideous beast i see when i look in the mirror, but i am someone worthy of her love. the tears fill my eyes as i type this because i feel so unworthy, yet i trust in her to know somewhere deep down inside the depths of me, that i must truly be worthy or she would not bother to help me grow and love and heal.
i am fat. i am caught in the cycle of hating the body i have and eating to make the hate go away. i am a food-a-holic. i am out of control. i am insane- for i hate myself and what i am doing with food, and yet i can't seem to stop this cycle of self-loathing and self-abuse. i know what the right choices are, and yet i continually make the wrong ones. i know what foods are good, bad and indifferent, and yet i keep on choosing those trigger foods. i am drowning in my own demon and i cant seem to find the lifeboat to get out of this sea. i know it is there- i know that G will never let me drown and i can hear her calling out from the boat searching for me, but it's like that scene from titanic when rose just cant seem to blow the whistle. i am trying to summon that strength to blow that whistle but my lips are frozen and i cant seem to get the sound out.
i am sad. and i dont know why. i mean, not really. things with G are good. i like living in NC, though i dont like the house we are in. but really, those 4 walls are not what is making me sad. i am overwhelmed by all the unpacking we've still to do and the fact that i feel so disorganized, but that should not make me sad. i am just sad right now. i am missing something. i am wanting someting. i am yearning for something, and i dont know what that something is. otherwise, why would i feel sad? i mean, there must be something that has me feeling incomplete or inadequate or something- and the best i can come up with is that it is all just a part of my demon attacks. because before this month, these feelings were not a part of me. so, what has changed? my demon.
this fucking demon! i hate him! and yet, i cant seem to fight him right now. he has control over me, and i hate that. G is supposed to have control and somehow that has gotten reversed and he is back in charge again. how did this happen? what did i do wrong? how do i fix this? i give myself over and over to her, and yet still- this demon comes in and shows his strength. how do i fight it- again? why is this happening to me? what did i do to deserve this neverending fight?
5 pregnancy tests later and over a month late for my period, the tests say no, but then what is going on? oh well- whatever it ends up being will be fine. i just wish it would be something so that maybe my hormones would stop doing what they are doing. i have been PMSing for about a month now- i must be a real joy to live with. i'm surprised G hasnt killed me by now- or at least beat me to death and dared me to die! thank God she is tolerant and understanding- we would never be able to exist if she wasn't.
i have been having really bad dreams lately- things like giving birth to the anti-christ, spewing out filth and such, almost like from the exorcist, fighting with everyone, losing my job, losing my friends, losing my animals, just being totally alone and isolated and cut off from everything.
my depression drugs do not seem to counter this. i am still taking them, because i know deep down that this is my demon. i am under attack and i am growing weak with the battle. i sit here on the verge of tears all the time. i wanted to believe my period was starting- week after week i have told myself it is PMS and to just get through the day....but i'm tired. my fight weak- my ability to confront my demon right now has me paralized with fear. i can't seem to break the binds i am in. i know that this too shall pass, and i know that G can help me find the strength, or if not, then she can just stand in front of me with a sword in her hand and fight off the demon while i catch my breath- and that is what keeps me going. that is what keeps me getting out of bed in the morning.
i cut my hair. it is shorter than shoulder length, and i feel ugly right now. i believe G when she tells me that it is flattering, i honestly do. but when i look in the mirror, all i see is grotesqueness looking back at me. again, i know this is my demon, and i know that what i see in myself is so distorted, so i trust in her. i trust in our love, in our relationship to know that i am not the hideous beast i see when i look in the mirror, but i am someone worthy of her love. the tears fill my eyes as i type this because i feel so unworthy, yet i trust in her to know somewhere deep down inside the depths of me, that i must truly be worthy or she would not bother to help me grow and love and heal.
i am fat. i am caught in the cycle of hating the body i have and eating to make the hate go away. i am a food-a-holic. i am out of control. i am insane- for i hate myself and what i am doing with food, and yet i can't seem to stop this cycle of self-loathing and self-abuse. i know what the right choices are, and yet i continually make the wrong ones. i know what foods are good, bad and indifferent, and yet i keep on choosing those trigger foods. i am drowning in my own demon and i cant seem to find the lifeboat to get out of this sea. i know it is there- i know that G will never let me drown and i can hear her calling out from the boat searching for me, but it's like that scene from titanic when rose just cant seem to blow the whistle. i am trying to summon that strength to blow that whistle but my lips are frozen and i cant seem to get the sound out.
i am sad. and i dont know why. i mean, not really. things with G are good. i like living in NC, though i dont like the house we are in. but really, those 4 walls are not what is making me sad. i am overwhelmed by all the unpacking we've still to do and the fact that i feel so disorganized, but that should not make me sad. i am just sad right now. i am missing something. i am wanting someting. i am yearning for something, and i dont know what that something is. otherwise, why would i feel sad? i mean, there must be something that has me feeling incomplete or inadequate or something- and the best i can come up with is that it is all just a part of my demon attacks. because before this month, these feelings were not a part of me. so, what has changed? my demon.
this fucking demon! i hate him! and yet, i cant seem to fight him right now. he has control over me, and i hate that. G is supposed to have control and somehow that has gotten reversed and he is back in charge again. how did this happen? what did i do wrong? how do i fix this? i give myself over and over to her, and yet still- this demon comes in and shows his strength. how do i fight it- again? why is this happening to me? what did i do to deserve this neverending fight?
posted by oreo at
11:41
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home