fear
So, G keeps talking about dating and play partners and stuff, and that brings up so many mixed feelings for me. i mean, i want her to be happy and to find someone if that is what she wants, but at the same time, i get scared with all the changes and insanity. i feel like we are so far from settling at all, and then bringing more people in just makes it even crazier. i trust her, so it's not like i think she is gonna meet some guy, get swept off her feet and walk away from us, but at the same time i cant just make those feelings of "fear of abandonment" go away either.
Abandonment is something i am used to. i mean, the parents that raised me couldnt stand to be around me, then there were all those weird friendships/worshippings of others i went through. And oh sure, i know that i created a good part of what went on- i mean, i needed so much from people all the time, i could see where it would be overwhelming, and i look at the situation i am entering into, and i find myself wondering if i am going to be more than she can handle. She is wanting all those wonderful things for herself and for lauren, and while i want that too, it scares me. and that fear makes me need her more in order to fight off this feeling of "oh no i will be abandoned" and then it seems like i am jealous or something, but i'm not. i'm just scared.
i think that i need to work on me, in fact i know that i need to work on me, but i dont know how. i dont know how to feel secure in myself, i have only ever found security through others. i dont know how to be happy for her when she thinks she has met someone when all i want to do is curl up and cry because i fear that he will somehow take her and lauren away from me. i find myself distancing from things, the house, fun stuff, whatever- almost preparing for that to happen. i really do wonder if all this D/s stuff will prevent her from finding the man she so longs for, and that makes me wonder if i can really be good for them, or if we are only just kidding ourselves.
before all the crap happened with eddie, we had a family unit going- and do not think for a minute that i want to go back to that- but we were settling into a family routine. One that i could see lasting for a long time. if G wants a man in her life, i can only hope that he will be wanting me to fit into their family, and that we will all be a family, because if not, it leaves me in a very lonely place. i dont want to be the afterthought, i dont want to be the one who doesnt have a place. i go through this all the time with the feeling of not having a place, and oftentimes it is because i so desperately need to know where i fit in society, and my place doesnt have an acceptable label. i know, i know...labels dont serve any real purpose, but i NEED one. i need to feel like i belong somewhere, and i long for that label. G is always a mom, and lauren is always the daughter. If a man comes in he is the boyfriend/finace/husband/father...and again, what am i? i am the friend who seems to be a little too needy. i am the roommate who has no life. i am the "odd one" to the rest of the world, because no one can know what my place really is.
Abandonment is something i am used to. i mean, the parents that raised me couldnt stand to be around me, then there were all those weird friendships/worshippings of others i went through. And oh sure, i know that i created a good part of what went on- i mean, i needed so much from people all the time, i could see where it would be overwhelming, and i look at the situation i am entering into, and i find myself wondering if i am going to be more than she can handle. She is wanting all those wonderful things for herself and for lauren, and while i want that too, it scares me. and that fear makes me need her more in order to fight off this feeling of "oh no i will be abandoned" and then it seems like i am jealous or something, but i'm not. i'm just scared.
i think that i need to work on me, in fact i know that i need to work on me, but i dont know how. i dont know how to feel secure in myself, i have only ever found security through others. i dont know how to be happy for her when she thinks she has met someone when all i want to do is curl up and cry because i fear that he will somehow take her and lauren away from me. i find myself distancing from things, the house, fun stuff, whatever- almost preparing for that to happen. i really do wonder if all this D/s stuff will prevent her from finding the man she so longs for, and that makes me wonder if i can really be good for them, or if we are only just kidding ourselves.
before all the crap happened with eddie, we had a family unit going- and do not think for a minute that i want to go back to that- but we were settling into a family routine. One that i could see lasting for a long time. if G wants a man in her life, i can only hope that he will be wanting me to fit into their family, and that we will all be a family, because if not, it leaves me in a very lonely place. i dont want to be the afterthought, i dont want to be the one who doesnt have a place. i go through this all the time with the feeling of not having a place, and oftentimes it is because i so desperately need to know where i fit in society, and my place doesnt have an acceptable label. i know, i know...labels dont serve any real purpose, but i NEED one. i need to feel like i belong somewhere, and i long for that label. G is always a mom, and lauren is always the daughter. If a man comes in he is the boyfriend/finace/husband/father...and again, what am i? i am the friend who seems to be a little too needy. i am the roommate who has no life. i am the "odd one" to the rest of the world, because no one can know what my place really is.
posted by oreo at
11:05
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