Lots of thoughts- 1 of 2 posts today
ok, so G has started to "date" and i used that word very very loosely. and i honestly am very happy for her. i am not jealous of others. i have no fears for our relationship. i truly want her to be happy. and i know what you are thinking... there is a but in there- and you are right- there is. BUT i am still so hurt and angry and loving and missing eddie, that the thought of her being with someone is painful for me. it is so hard for me to want to trust, and yet, because i trust her, i want to trust whoever she chooses to trust. does that make ANY sense?
im going to ramble here, so if you are bored by this topic, feel free to stop reading anytime.
i miss eddie. i miss his hugs and i miss the way he would roll his eyes when i would say something ridiculous. i miss his accent, and his red-neck upbringing, and i miss the way i felt when he held me. i miss the touch of his hand at a spanking, and yes, i do miss the orgasms (note that plural) when he played with me. i miss joking around with him and meeting up with him for supper, and listening to him talk about the chickens or his bird dogs or all the girls he slept with before he was 12. i miss the farm and i miss the chicks and i miss being able to play soccer with briscoe through the front yard. i miss working the garden and stacking the firewood and sitting on the swing outside watching the chickens eat briscoes food while he let them. i miss the rickety old bridge that even though it got replaced, was still a part of going up that driveway.
i know i need to let go. i know that hanging on to this is not helping me. i'm just not sure how to let go of something i was so in love with. dont misunderstand me, i know he cant be trusted, and i know that we were right in going- but i loved what we had- the farm, eddie, G, lauren and i. i loved it all. i was in love with my life and felt so postive about everything.
NOW WAIT- dont read this to mean that i hate my life, that i am miserable and all of life is this horrid wretched state. IT IS NOT. i love G and l. i love living with them. i am glad i am going back to school. i like the job i just started, and i am good at it. i know that the future is bright in so many ways. i just have these walls up when it comes to men. After craig and eddie in the past year, trusting a man is not something i even want to do, but yet, in order to please G, i want to try. so, that leaves me making this vow- i vow to my Domme, G, that i will trust in her and i will trust in us enough to know that whatever man she chooses to bring into her life, no matter the committment level, i will not fight in order to keep the wall high, i will work to build a relationship with that man and allow myself to trust (even if i only have a little bit to offer) to the best of my ability at that time. i also vow to keep communication lines open, and to allow myself to hurt and greive over eddie and that loss, and that in doing so, i will grow stronger as a result. and one day (sooner rather than later), i will be ok again.
im going to ramble here, so if you are bored by this topic, feel free to stop reading anytime.
i miss eddie. i miss his hugs and i miss the way he would roll his eyes when i would say something ridiculous. i miss his accent, and his red-neck upbringing, and i miss the way i felt when he held me. i miss the touch of his hand at a spanking, and yes, i do miss the orgasms (note that plural) when he played with me. i miss joking around with him and meeting up with him for supper, and listening to him talk about the chickens or his bird dogs or all the girls he slept with before he was 12. i miss the farm and i miss the chicks and i miss being able to play soccer with briscoe through the front yard. i miss working the garden and stacking the firewood and sitting on the swing outside watching the chickens eat briscoes food while he let them. i miss the rickety old bridge that even though it got replaced, was still a part of going up that driveway.
i know i need to let go. i know that hanging on to this is not helping me. i'm just not sure how to let go of something i was so in love with. dont misunderstand me, i know he cant be trusted, and i know that we were right in going- but i loved what we had- the farm, eddie, G, lauren and i. i loved it all. i was in love with my life and felt so postive about everything.
NOW WAIT- dont read this to mean that i hate my life, that i am miserable and all of life is this horrid wretched state. IT IS NOT. i love G and l. i love living with them. i am glad i am going back to school. i like the job i just started, and i am good at it. i know that the future is bright in so many ways. i just have these walls up when it comes to men. After craig and eddie in the past year, trusting a man is not something i even want to do, but yet, in order to please G, i want to try. so, that leaves me making this vow- i vow to my Domme, G, that i will trust in her and i will trust in us enough to know that whatever man she chooses to bring into her life, no matter the committment level, i will not fight in order to keep the wall high, i will work to build a relationship with that man and allow myself to trust (even if i only have a little bit to offer) to the best of my ability at that time. i also vow to keep communication lines open, and to allow myself to hurt and greive over eddie and that loss, and that in doing so, i will grow stronger as a result. and one day (sooner rather than later), i will be ok again.
posted by oreo at
17:51
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