there must be something really wrong with me

i dont have any real interst in sex. there, i said it. i am not gay and i am not a man-hater. i have a sex drive, and i play with myself- though the orgasms are not as good as when someone else brings me to one. i dont trust men. i feel vulnerable when i am around them in a way that i dont like. i dont find safety or comfort in the arms of a man.

what turns me on is power and control. and it is a power and control i am not comfortable giving a man. i have given that power and control to G. i trust her with every ounce of my being. i give myself freely to her and to the "bedroom fantasy world" if she wants me there. and if she doesnt, i'm ok with that too.

for as long as i remember, i didnt want kids. i still dont want them. im 34 years old and this is something i know about myself. i also know that while i am attracted to a man, and that that kind of physical attraction is normal, i have no desire to have sex with one. no wait- that isnt true- i think the physical part of sex could be fun, but i dont want to date. i dont want the emotional attachment. i dont want the heartache or the distractions or any of that bullshit.

so i guess that makes me the fucking oddball, right???

but let me ask this? why is sex and dating that big of a deal anyway? i mean, what difference does it make if you go out for a meal with a man or woman? does it really matter if you go to the movies with a person you might have sex with later? and isnt dating just that- the formalities so you can just go have sex? so why do we place so much emphasis on this bullshit called dating? why dont we have "fuck buddies" and be honest about what they are and call it that? if you really want to be committed to just one person, then get married, right? i mean, doesnt that make the most sense? what really is the point of dating? why are people so obsessed with it? and at what point will i be left alone about not wanting to participate in the absurdity of dating?

if G ends up meeting someone and getting married, i guess i will deal with that when/if it happens. she keeps telling me that she isnt looking for that, but that if it happens, she is not opposed to it. so, good for her. if that is what she wants/needs to find happiness, then who am i to stand in her way? i wouldnt do that. i dont worry that she will abandon me, nor do i worry that she will forget about me. i am the first person she has ever had in her life who supports her in what she wants, and i think that must mean something to her. i know it means a lot to me. she is my Domme and my friend. i have no fears of losing that, but sometimes i wonder if i am setting myself up like i did with craig- to support her right out of my life. dont think i mean that she would EVER do to me what he did, but just the general idea that i could be helping her to set myself up later on is something i wonder often. oh well- it doesnt change anything. it doesnt change how i feel about her, or the relationship that we have.

so, like i said, i guess there must be something wrong with me. cause i dont care if i find that man to be with for all eternity. and i dont care if i ever have sex with someone other than my own hand or toys. playing sounds like fun, but i dont want to make a deep emotional connection with some guy. i dont feel the need to. i guess that must make me the most fucked up person on the planet.