Healing my inner child?
There is this little girl inside me- she is a sad, lonely, frightened little girl. She was kicked when she was down. Her heart was broken over and over again. She was told how inadequate she was with every waking moment. She was worthless, she had no right to exist.
So i tried to fix her. i tried to tell her it was all ok, but the words that flowed from within were lies. i was never going to let her be ok, because she had no right to be ok. i never stopped being angry at the little shit that made life so miserable. i never forgave her for being a useless, worthless, pain in the ass who served only to remind everyone else how decent their life was when she wasnt around. i was meaner to her than anyone else ever was. why? because she deserved it. deserves it.
Now, i'm sure we all want to know why she still deserves it. And the answer to that is....i dont know. i guess maybe because it is what i am used to? because i dont know how to treat her any better than that. because beating myself up is the known and actually feeling good about myself is so out of the ordinary, it's actually scary. and i dont like to do things that scare me.
so, how do i heal her? how do i really decide that she is not this horrible, evil child spawned from satan himself? how do decide that she is allowed to be loved? is she even really lovable? because all i see when i see her is fangs and horns and this horrible evil thing- sometimes i think she ought to have been put out of her misery long long ago.
boy, is this a downer or what? what on earth did i do so long ago that i cant find a way to forgive myself? why can i come close sometimes and then end up right back where i started? am i choosing to be this way forever? because if i am, then i need to separate myself from everyone and everything (except my dog and my cats anyways) andgo be a hermit so that i dont take anyone down this nasty path with me.
but when i think about that, i get so sad. i mean, overwhelmingly all-consuming sad. i want to get better. i want to believe that i am worth it. i want to honestly KNOW that i am allowed to be ok. and then i want to believe that.
How do i start?
So i tried to fix her. i tried to tell her it was all ok, but the words that flowed from within were lies. i was never going to let her be ok, because she had no right to be ok. i never stopped being angry at the little shit that made life so miserable. i never forgave her for being a useless, worthless, pain in the ass who served only to remind everyone else how decent their life was when she wasnt around. i was meaner to her than anyone else ever was. why? because she deserved it. deserves it.
Now, i'm sure we all want to know why she still deserves it. And the answer to that is....i dont know. i guess maybe because it is what i am used to? because i dont know how to treat her any better than that. because beating myself up is the known and actually feeling good about myself is so out of the ordinary, it's actually scary. and i dont like to do things that scare me.
so, how do i heal her? how do i really decide that she is not this horrible, evil child spawned from satan himself? how do decide that she is allowed to be loved? is she even really lovable? because all i see when i see her is fangs and horns and this horrible evil thing- sometimes i think she ought to have been put out of her misery long long ago.
boy, is this a downer or what? what on earth did i do so long ago that i cant find a way to forgive myself? why can i come close sometimes and then end up right back where i started? am i choosing to be this way forever? because if i am, then i need to separate myself from everyone and everything (except my dog and my cats anyways) andgo be a hermit so that i dont take anyone down this nasty path with me.
but when i think about that, i get so sad. i mean, overwhelmingly all-consuming sad. i want to get better. i want to believe that i am worth it. i want to honestly KNOW that i am allowed to be ok. and then i want to believe that.
How do i start?
posted by oreo at
11:21
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