Written 1 year ago today
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I tried not to chew my nails as I waited for Her to come in. She had warned me that this would be bad. She told me that She was tired of me trying to maintain control by doing harmful things to myself, or by mentally beating myself up when I have done something wrong. She has told me over and over that She is in charge- that She makes the rules. And tonight I was to receive a lesson in submission that I had never received before. I waited anxiously for Her to come. I was not scared of Her, only nervous about what was going to happen.
Hearing the creaking of the wood floor under the weight of Her footsteps, I sat up straighter, folded my hands in my lap and gazed at the floor. Only the pause of her footsteps gave me reason to look up. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, her clothes were sharp and crisp. The severity of her stare when I looked into her face made my stomach drop. Lowering my gaze again, I waited for Her to speak.
“I cannot even begin to express my disappointment in your behavior. Don’t bother to offer explanations, I have no intention of listening right now. Tonight you will give up all control. Tonight you will submit yourself and be held accountable for everything I choose to hold you accountable for. When we are done, there will be no confusion in your mind about who is in charge, and who is responsible for holding you accountable for your behavior. Your desire to hurt yourself or punish yourself will be squashed, and you will understand that you are Mine, and that you do not have permission to take any matters into your own hands.”
Still sitting on the edge of the bed, I closed my eyes for a moment and recalled the events that led me to this place.
It was such a simple time. Life was easier, but then he came along. Wanting to play all those crazy games, wanting to touch me and poke himself into me. And I let him. I never stood up for myself. He told me that he would make problems for my mother- that she would lose her job. I was young. I believed him. I was so innocent. I just wanted to protect my mother. I was weak. I let him do what he wanted.
Look in the mirror- what do you see? I hate what I see. Worthless, horrible, terrible person. No right to happiness. No right to live. Not a good enough daughter- too boyish for mom, too girl for dad. No way to win. No way to measure up to their standards. No way to be worth anything. Too weak to stand up for myself. Too weak to tell them that I was worth something. I let them destroy what little of me I ever liked.
“Why can’t you calm down? Why are you so hyper? Why can’t you be better?” ADHD that no one knew about. Stupid stupid stupid…why am I always so dumb? Why can’t I do anything right? Lazy lazy lazy….buckle down, then you will succeed. Will I ever be able to get control over my own brain? Why can’t I ever control myself? Why am I so bad? Why did God make me so broken? I am bad for being mad at God.
Send me to military school. No. OK, how about catholic school. Yes, I know we’re Jewish, but I need to go to one. Why? I wish I could have told them about structure and discipline. I wish I understood what I needed and could put it into words. But I couldn’t. So, when no one else was there to discipline me, I used the only punishment I knew- negativity toward myself. Beating myself up for everything. Trying to hold myself to a higher standard, trying to be better than I was, so that maybe I would someday be a worthwhile person. So, I mentally beat myself up- over and over and over. Gotta be mean and harsh and tell myself how horrible I am, so that I can learn to be better. Gotta feel pain. Gotta beat myself up. Gotta kick me when I’m down. Then maybe I’ll learn.
Put my trust in him. Was blinded by love and wanting to please him. Let him take advantage of my heart. Let him take advantage of me. Lied over and over to her, to others, to me. Lying comes too easy now- used to be so hard. So angry at myself for allowing myself to go that route again. So guilty. Gotta beat myself up. Gotta feel the pain to make the guilt go away. Gotta remind myself how horrible I am so that I wont do it again. Too weak to stand up for myself. Too weak to stand up for my own principles. Bad bad bad…I don’t deserve happiness.
I needed so much to give up this control. I needed so much for it to be taken from me. The last piece of me that was holding on. The part that had to take care of me for all those years. The part of me that could never trust that someone else would care enough to take the time to hold me accountable, and to wipe my slate clean. I need to embrace the care that She offers. I need to embrace the love in Her heart and Her mind and Her arms. I want and need to give Her this last piece. I need her to take it from me. I don’t know what it will take for Her to do that. I only pray that She does.
Inhaling deeply, I tried to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Keeping the tears from falling, I could feel my body shaking as the fear of the unknown settled deep into my bones.
Hearing the creaking of the wood floor under the weight of Her footsteps, I sat up straighter, folded my hands in my lap and gazed at the floor. Only the pause of her footsteps gave me reason to look up. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun, her clothes were sharp and crisp. The severity of her stare when I looked into her face made my stomach drop. Lowering my gaze again, I waited for Her to speak.
“I cannot even begin to express my disappointment in your behavior. Don’t bother to offer explanations, I have no intention of listening right now. Tonight you will give up all control. Tonight you will submit yourself and be held accountable for everything I choose to hold you accountable for. When we are done, there will be no confusion in your mind about who is in charge, and who is responsible for holding you accountable for your behavior. Your desire to hurt yourself or punish yourself will be squashed, and you will understand that you are Mine, and that you do not have permission to take any matters into your own hands.”
Still sitting on the edge of the bed, I closed my eyes for a moment and recalled the events that led me to this place.
It was such a simple time. Life was easier, but then he came along. Wanting to play all those crazy games, wanting to touch me and poke himself into me. And I let him. I never stood up for myself. He told me that he would make problems for my mother- that she would lose her job. I was young. I believed him. I was so innocent. I just wanted to protect my mother. I was weak. I let him do what he wanted.
Look in the mirror- what do you see? I hate what I see. Worthless, horrible, terrible person. No right to happiness. No right to live. Not a good enough daughter- too boyish for mom, too girl for dad. No way to win. No way to measure up to their standards. No way to be worth anything. Too weak to stand up for myself. Too weak to tell them that I was worth something. I let them destroy what little of me I ever liked.
“Why can’t you calm down? Why are you so hyper? Why can’t you be better?” ADHD that no one knew about. Stupid stupid stupid…why am I always so dumb? Why can’t I do anything right? Lazy lazy lazy….buckle down, then you will succeed. Will I ever be able to get control over my own brain? Why can’t I ever control myself? Why am I so bad? Why did God make me so broken? I am bad for being mad at God.
Send me to military school. No. OK, how about catholic school. Yes, I know we’re Jewish, but I need to go to one. Why? I wish I could have told them about structure and discipline. I wish I understood what I needed and could put it into words. But I couldn’t. So, when no one else was there to discipline me, I used the only punishment I knew- negativity toward myself. Beating myself up for everything. Trying to hold myself to a higher standard, trying to be better than I was, so that maybe I would someday be a worthwhile person. So, I mentally beat myself up- over and over and over. Gotta be mean and harsh and tell myself how horrible I am, so that I can learn to be better. Gotta feel pain. Gotta beat myself up. Gotta kick me when I’m down. Then maybe I’ll learn.
Put my trust in him. Was blinded by love and wanting to please him. Let him take advantage of my heart. Let him take advantage of me. Lied over and over to her, to others, to me. Lying comes too easy now- used to be so hard. So angry at myself for allowing myself to go that route again. So guilty. Gotta beat myself up. Gotta feel the pain to make the guilt go away. Gotta remind myself how horrible I am so that I wont do it again. Too weak to stand up for myself. Too weak to stand up for my own principles. Bad bad bad…I don’t deserve happiness.
I needed so much to give up this control. I needed so much for it to be taken from me. The last piece of me that was holding on. The part that had to take care of me for all those years. The part of me that could never trust that someone else would care enough to take the time to hold me accountable, and to wipe my slate clean. I need to embrace the care that She offers. I need to embrace the love in Her heart and Her mind and Her arms. I want and need to give Her this last piece. I need her to take it from me. I don’t know what it will take for Her to do that. I only pray that She does.
Inhaling deeply, I tried to prepare myself for what was going to happen. Keeping the tears from falling, I could feel my body shaking as the fear of the unknown settled deep into my bones.
posted by oreo at
22:10
1 Comments:
Well....it was nice to see you posted but ya gotta finish the story!! What happened? Don't keep us in suspence!
By
Anonymous, at 11:34 AM
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