cared for
The line.
There is a line that emerges every once in awhile where i can no longer be a good submissive. Once i cross this line, all i can do is flip-flop back and forth between depression and over-bratting. i hate that line. i see it coming. i try and avoid it, but once it makes its mark on my horizon, i have no choice but to reach it. there is no turning back, no side-stepping it, simply put, no avoidance.
i reached that line over the past week or so. G started her new job, things have been tense with Lauren (but thankfully they are getting better) and my stress level just brought me to that point. my self-loathing demon reared his ugly head, and once that happens, well let's just say, the brown stuff hits the circularly rotating object- at a VERY fast pace.
i'm so happy that G got this new job. i know she will do very well at it. i am thrilled that Lauren is back in pre-school- with one more year before kindergarten, it is important that she be as prepared as possible. i'm glad that things are looking up back at my job and that i may be able to go back to school. i'm having fun doing the suzy homemaker thing, even if it doesnt last forever. it all just hit so suddenly- i mean, literally one night, the plans for the next day changed and life has been moving forward at a pretty fast pace since then.
Changes. It always seems to come down to changes. i know that no one really likes changes, but i wish i had a better way to cope with them. My stress level seems to shoot up, and i start to shut down. it's almost like i cant function when too many changes happen all at once. i know there is a better way to deal with it, but at least i know that i have G to help me when i cant seem to find that way.
tonight i couldnt even say the words. i couldnt look at her and tell her what i needed. i crossed into a place i have not been in quite some time. no, not a bad thing- just a place that hasnt needed to exist during this fairy-tale year. Back to life and reality...which is ok, because at least i know that even when i cant say the words, She still knows what i need.
There is a line that emerges every once in awhile where i can no longer be a good submissive. Once i cross this line, all i can do is flip-flop back and forth between depression and over-bratting. i hate that line. i see it coming. i try and avoid it, but once it makes its mark on my horizon, i have no choice but to reach it. there is no turning back, no side-stepping it, simply put, no avoidance.
i reached that line over the past week or so. G started her new job, things have been tense with Lauren (but thankfully they are getting better) and my stress level just brought me to that point. my self-loathing demon reared his ugly head, and once that happens, well let's just say, the brown stuff hits the circularly rotating object- at a VERY fast pace.
i'm so happy that G got this new job. i know she will do very well at it. i am thrilled that Lauren is back in pre-school- with one more year before kindergarten, it is important that she be as prepared as possible. i'm glad that things are looking up back at my job and that i may be able to go back to school. i'm having fun doing the suzy homemaker thing, even if it doesnt last forever. it all just hit so suddenly- i mean, literally one night, the plans for the next day changed and life has been moving forward at a pretty fast pace since then.
Changes. It always seems to come down to changes. i know that no one really likes changes, but i wish i had a better way to cope with them. My stress level seems to shoot up, and i start to shut down. it's almost like i cant function when too many changes happen all at once. i know there is a better way to deal with it, but at least i know that i have G to help me when i cant seem to find that way.
tonight i couldnt even say the words. i couldnt look at her and tell her what i needed. i crossed into a place i have not been in quite some time. no, not a bad thing- just a place that hasnt needed to exist during this fairy-tale year. Back to life and reality...which is ok, because at least i know that even when i cant say the words, She still knows what i need.
posted by oreo at
23:34
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