i am Hers
“And after you are done piling the wood, you present yourself to me for further instructions.”
“Yes, M’am.”
I watched her turn and leave the room. Pulling my jeans up over my red bottom that she had just striped with the cane, I exhaled, gathered myself together and turned toward the back door. Looking at the task in front of me, I absentmindedly rubbed my bottom, pulled on my work gloves and started stacking. He had spent the whole day cutting wood for the fireplace, and it seemed to me that the pile would never end. Stacking the wood on the side of the house, a smile formed on my lips as I thought about the life I had found.
Standing in the kitchen, gaze lowered to the floor, I waited for her to acknowledge my presence.
“Have you finished the wood?”
“Yes M’am.”
“Go to my bedroom, and prepare yourself.”
Eyes filling with tears, I silently turned and walked to the other side of the house. Entering the bedroom, I pulled my jeans off and raised my shirt over my head. She had already told me no panties or bra today and I had no idea how exposed that made me feel even when I had clothing on. Placing a pillow in the center of the bed, I climbed up and made sure I was positioned properly. It would be horrible to get more added to what I was already getting. Closing my eyes, I waited in silence without moving. Hearing her footsteps on the hard wood floor, my body tensed involuntarily.
“I am glad to see that you understand how to prepare yourself. It shows me you are learning. You know that today is a day where we are redefining how our lives will work. Today is the day that I remind you who is in charge, who makes the rules, and who follows the rules. You are doing well to remember not to speak unless granted permission, and you have shown me dedication and willingness to please in how you have attended to the chores I have assigned you. That pleases me.”
I smiled inside to hear those words. Thinking to myself how happy it makes me to please her, the tenseness in my body began to ease. At the touch of her hand on my bottom, I relaxed completely, trusting as I have never trusted before.
Opening my eyes, I saw her walk toward the implements. “Toys,” she called them, although I certainly never saw anything playful about them. Staring at the selection, her finger on her chin, she glanced up at me, glanced back down, and picked up the cocobolo paddle. Sighing in resignation, knowing how much that paddle hurt, I tried not to allow my body to re-tense itself. Walking back over to the side of the bed, she placed one hand on the small of my back.
“Be still.”
Lowering my head, I tried to prepare myself, but nothing can quite prepare anyone for the sharp sting of that hard wood paddle.
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
She delivered the first four swats with speed and precision, hitting both cheeks at my sit-spot. Trying not to move, I felt the burning sensation begin to spread over my bottom.
“You live here…SMACK… because I want…SMACK… you here. You are my sub, …SMACK… and I am your Domme…SMACK…. I make the rules…SMACK… and you follow them. …SMACK… No arguments…SMACK…, no discussion…SMACK…. I will not …SMACK… have you question me all the time…SMACK…SMACK… SMACK… SMACK… and I will not …SMACK… tolerate disrespect from you …SMACK …SMACK …SMACK … SMACK. Do I make myself clear?”
Realizing I was just asked a question, I struggled to hear what she had just said. Unable to respond quickly enough, she raised the paddle again.
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
“Let’s try again. Do I make myself clear?”
Sobbing uncontrollably, it was all I could do choke out a reply.
“Y…y…y…yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss M…m…m..m’aaaaaammmmmmmmmmm”
Putting the paddle down on the bed, she ran her hand over my burning bottom. Watching me sob into the bedspread, she gazed down at me and smiled a smile that I would never see. Needing to make sure I fully realized the seriousness of the day, she erased the smile before speaking to me.
“You may leave your jeans in here and follow me back to the dining room.”
Wiping the tears from my eyes, nodding my comprehension, I got up from the bed. With my shirt falling back into place, legs weak from so many spankings, I followed her down the hall. Seeing my computer set up on the table, I wondered what was going on.
“You will sit at the table and write an account of everything that has happened today. You will describe events with as much detail as you can recall. Write about your feelings, thoughts, everything. Come and get me when you are done.”
Turning on her heel, she left the room, and me, alone with my thoughts. I noticed that she placed the hardest wooden chair at the table for me, and I winced at the thought of sitting there, bare bottom no less, to write. But I sat. And wrote.
I’m not really sure where to start, so I suppose I’ll just ramble. Today was really amazing. The flood of emotions that are going through my head make my thoughts all just run together. I couldn’t really be prepared for what was going to happen, and I’m glad that I wasn’t…because the “unknown nausea” faded, and I was pleased to know that my feelings faded from that to complete serenity. Oh, don’t misunderstand me- it didn’t happen all at once- it took all day to get there, but I did finally get there.
The day started with a small list of tasks (a pattern that would repeat itself several more times) followed by a spanking. I was told that this spanking would be the least severe of any I would receive today, and I guess that was the case. It’s actually hard for me to gauge them all because I was in such different head spaces in each of them. I had to take out all the implements for G to use on me. I found 27 of them, but also realized that I was missing at least one hairbrush. (I hope she doesn’t read this and think that we need to redo anything…at that point in the day, I didn’t figure it really mattered. If I had to do it again, I would spend more time finding that last hairbrush). Not much of a warm-up from what I recall, as I said, my head is in sort of a weird space right now. The spankings were short but severe. I still have not gotten any hugs or cuddles, and that does make me feel sort of empty insid, but I trustMiss G enough to know that she will take care of all of me as the day goes on.
I started today by working on fighting my demon. I realized at some point during the course of this that all the fighting I have done as a “spankee” in the past have been the wrong fights. I have always fought my spanker, thinking that the fight that needed to be “lost” was a battle of wills. But actually, the fight that needed to be won was the fight I have to have with the internal demon that keeps trying to bring me down. I was very focused this morning on telling that demon that he was no longer allowed to be in my head. I was actually talking out loud, and found myself telling the demon that I would no longer be feeding it steak and lobster, and that in fact, I am planning on starving it, and not only will I take pleasure in watching it starve to death, I will bury it and dance on it’s grave! That may not seem like a big deal, but when you have been fighting and losing against a more powerful enemy, the first big step in turning the tide is always the hardest- and today has been a HUGE step. In fact, every time ugly thoughts seep into my head, I say (out loud) “You cannot be in my thoughts. Miss G is the only one who has the power to be in there. I can fight you, and I will win. No matter what you try and do, or how you try and make me fail, I will succeed. I will beat you because I am stronger than you, and when I feel weak, I can draw on the strength of Miss G to beat you down.” At first I felt kinda weird saying that stuff out loud to the air, but I visualized the demon in me. I saw it for the first time as a big black mass. It reminded me of the “nothing” from the Neverending Story. And I told it that too- I said “you are like the nothing- it feeds off of people, and so do you. But I wont give you that food. I wont let you thrive off me.” And I found that as the morning progressed, the black image was growing smaller and smaller.
As the demon became smaller and smaller, I found myself in a new place. I was no longer battling, I was submitting. In fact, with each spanking, I was chanting a mantra to my self to help me focus. They started as “I give myself to her”, then changed to “I choose her, she chooses me” and finally, in the second half of last spanking I just got, it became “I submit.” I have reached a place where I am submissive in a way I have never been. It’s a calm peace that is flowing through my veins right now, despite the fact that my thoughts are all over the place.
Right now I feel very protected. I feel like a child, but not like in age-play. I feel like I have the love and protection and guidance from Miss G that is similar to what would be given a child. Obviously I am not a child, nor am I acting like one, nor am I expecting to be treated like one- I just have a sense of security like I am loved and cared for and that She will look out for my best interests and continue to help me grow into a person that I really will be able to love. That makes me feel safe.
Rising stiffly, I went into the office and stood silently by her. Waiting for her to realize I was there, I smiled at my Domme- I mean I really smiled. I took in her features, her hair, her eyes, her glasses. Her clothes, and her make-up. She is so beautiful. I found myself wanting to be held, wanting to be hugged, praying that I could convey these thoughts with my eyes. I looked at her face, feeling my own facial muscles relax into the serenity I have never felt with anyone else.
“Have you finished?”
“Yes M’am.”
“Go into my room. Stand by the bed.”
Walking down the hall, I noticed that I was not crying preliminarily. I was anxious and a little tense, hopeful that the spankings might be over, but totally trusting that even if they weren’t it would all be ok. Because I am Hers. Standing by her bed, arms behind my back, I waited. She entered the room a short time later. I was startled when she climbed up onto the bed. Completely overcome with curiosity, I watched her. Settling herself into the middle of the bed, sitting with several pillows propped behind her back, she motioned to me.
“Come and lay across my lap.”
I did as I was told.
“You are mine. You are my treasure, and I am honored that you trust me enough to be my subbie. I have a special place for you in my heart, and I always will. You are mine, and it pleases me to be able to say that.”
Feeling overwhelmed at this intimacy, at the closeness of her touch, I could not stop the tears that fell down my face before she even raised a hand. I am Hers.
“Yes, M’am.”
I watched her turn and leave the room. Pulling my jeans up over my red bottom that she had just striped with the cane, I exhaled, gathered myself together and turned toward the back door. Looking at the task in front of me, I absentmindedly rubbed my bottom, pulled on my work gloves and started stacking. He had spent the whole day cutting wood for the fireplace, and it seemed to me that the pile would never end. Stacking the wood on the side of the house, a smile formed on my lips as I thought about the life I had found.
Standing in the kitchen, gaze lowered to the floor, I waited for her to acknowledge my presence.
“Have you finished the wood?”
“Yes M’am.”
“Go to my bedroom, and prepare yourself.”
Eyes filling with tears, I silently turned and walked to the other side of the house. Entering the bedroom, I pulled my jeans off and raised my shirt over my head. She had already told me no panties or bra today and I had no idea how exposed that made me feel even when I had clothing on. Placing a pillow in the center of the bed, I climbed up and made sure I was positioned properly. It would be horrible to get more added to what I was already getting. Closing my eyes, I waited in silence without moving. Hearing her footsteps on the hard wood floor, my body tensed involuntarily.
“I am glad to see that you understand how to prepare yourself. It shows me you are learning. You know that today is a day where we are redefining how our lives will work. Today is the day that I remind you who is in charge, who makes the rules, and who follows the rules. You are doing well to remember not to speak unless granted permission, and you have shown me dedication and willingness to please in how you have attended to the chores I have assigned you. That pleases me.”
I smiled inside to hear those words. Thinking to myself how happy it makes me to please her, the tenseness in my body began to ease. At the touch of her hand on my bottom, I relaxed completely, trusting as I have never trusted before.
Opening my eyes, I saw her walk toward the implements. “Toys,” she called them, although I certainly never saw anything playful about them. Staring at the selection, her finger on her chin, she glanced up at me, glanced back down, and picked up the cocobolo paddle. Sighing in resignation, knowing how much that paddle hurt, I tried not to allow my body to re-tense itself. Walking back over to the side of the bed, she placed one hand on the small of my back.
“Be still.”
Lowering my head, I tried to prepare myself, but nothing can quite prepare anyone for the sharp sting of that hard wood paddle.
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
She delivered the first four swats with speed and precision, hitting both cheeks at my sit-spot. Trying not to move, I felt the burning sensation begin to spread over my bottom.
“You live here…SMACK… because I want…SMACK… you here. You are my sub, …SMACK… and I am your Domme…SMACK…. I make the rules…SMACK… and you follow them. …SMACK… No arguments…SMACK…, no discussion…SMACK…. I will not …SMACK… have you question me all the time…SMACK…SMACK… SMACK… SMACK… and I will not …SMACK… tolerate disrespect from you …SMACK …SMACK …SMACK … SMACK. Do I make myself clear?”
Realizing I was just asked a question, I struggled to hear what she had just said. Unable to respond quickly enough, she raised the paddle again.
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
CRAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK
“Let’s try again. Do I make myself clear?”
Sobbing uncontrollably, it was all I could do choke out a reply.
“Y…y…y…yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss M…m…m..m’aaaaaammmmmmmmmmm”
Putting the paddle down on the bed, she ran her hand over my burning bottom. Watching me sob into the bedspread, she gazed down at me and smiled a smile that I would never see. Needing to make sure I fully realized the seriousness of the day, she erased the smile before speaking to me.
“You may leave your jeans in here and follow me back to the dining room.”
Wiping the tears from my eyes, nodding my comprehension, I got up from the bed. With my shirt falling back into place, legs weak from so many spankings, I followed her down the hall. Seeing my computer set up on the table, I wondered what was going on.
“You will sit at the table and write an account of everything that has happened today. You will describe events with as much detail as you can recall. Write about your feelings, thoughts, everything. Come and get me when you are done.”
Turning on her heel, she left the room, and me, alone with my thoughts. I noticed that she placed the hardest wooden chair at the table for me, and I winced at the thought of sitting there, bare bottom no less, to write. But I sat. And wrote.
I’m not really sure where to start, so I suppose I’ll just ramble. Today was really amazing. The flood of emotions that are going through my head make my thoughts all just run together. I couldn’t really be prepared for what was going to happen, and I’m glad that I wasn’t…because the “unknown nausea” faded, and I was pleased to know that my feelings faded from that to complete serenity. Oh, don’t misunderstand me- it didn’t happen all at once- it took all day to get there, but I did finally get there.
The day started with a small list of tasks (a pattern that would repeat itself several more times) followed by a spanking. I was told that this spanking would be the least severe of any I would receive today, and I guess that was the case. It’s actually hard for me to gauge them all because I was in such different head spaces in each of them. I had to take out all the implements for G to use on me. I found 27 of them, but also realized that I was missing at least one hairbrush. (I hope she doesn’t read this and think that we need to redo anything…at that point in the day, I didn’t figure it really mattered. If I had to do it again, I would spend more time finding that last hairbrush). Not much of a warm-up from what I recall, as I said, my head is in sort of a weird space right now. The spankings were short but severe. I still have not gotten any hugs or cuddles, and that does make me feel sort of empty insid, but I trustMiss G enough to know that she will take care of all of me as the day goes on.
I started today by working on fighting my demon. I realized at some point during the course of this that all the fighting I have done as a “spankee” in the past have been the wrong fights. I have always fought my spanker, thinking that the fight that needed to be “lost” was a battle of wills. But actually, the fight that needed to be won was the fight I have to have with the internal demon that keeps trying to bring me down. I was very focused this morning on telling that demon that he was no longer allowed to be in my head. I was actually talking out loud, and found myself telling the demon that I would no longer be feeding it steak and lobster, and that in fact, I am planning on starving it, and not only will I take pleasure in watching it starve to death, I will bury it and dance on it’s grave! That may not seem like a big deal, but when you have been fighting and losing against a more powerful enemy, the first big step in turning the tide is always the hardest- and today has been a HUGE step. In fact, every time ugly thoughts seep into my head, I say (out loud) “You cannot be in my thoughts. Miss G is the only one who has the power to be in there. I can fight you, and I will win. No matter what you try and do, or how you try and make me fail, I will succeed. I will beat you because I am stronger than you, and when I feel weak, I can draw on the strength of Miss G to beat you down.” At first I felt kinda weird saying that stuff out loud to the air, but I visualized the demon in me. I saw it for the first time as a big black mass. It reminded me of the “nothing” from the Neverending Story. And I told it that too- I said “you are like the nothing- it feeds off of people, and so do you. But I wont give you that food. I wont let you thrive off me.” And I found that as the morning progressed, the black image was growing smaller and smaller.
As the demon became smaller and smaller, I found myself in a new place. I was no longer battling, I was submitting. In fact, with each spanking, I was chanting a mantra to my self to help me focus. They started as “I give myself to her”, then changed to “I choose her, she chooses me” and finally, in the second half of last spanking I just got, it became “I submit.” I have reached a place where I am submissive in a way I have never been. It’s a calm peace that is flowing through my veins right now, despite the fact that my thoughts are all over the place.
Right now I feel very protected. I feel like a child, but not like in age-play. I feel like I have the love and protection and guidance from Miss G that is similar to what would be given a child. Obviously I am not a child, nor am I acting like one, nor am I expecting to be treated like one- I just have a sense of security like I am loved and cared for and that She will look out for my best interests and continue to help me grow into a person that I really will be able to love. That makes me feel safe.
Rising stiffly, I went into the office and stood silently by her. Waiting for her to realize I was there, I smiled at my Domme- I mean I really smiled. I took in her features, her hair, her eyes, her glasses. Her clothes, and her make-up. She is so beautiful. I found myself wanting to be held, wanting to be hugged, praying that I could convey these thoughts with my eyes. I looked at her face, feeling my own facial muscles relax into the serenity I have never felt with anyone else.
“Have you finished?”
“Yes M’am.”
“Go into my room. Stand by the bed.”
Walking down the hall, I noticed that I was not crying preliminarily. I was anxious and a little tense, hopeful that the spankings might be over, but totally trusting that even if they weren’t it would all be ok. Because I am Hers. Standing by her bed, arms behind my back, I waited. She entered the room a short time later. I was startled when she climbed up onto the bed. Completely overcome with curiosity, I watched her. Settling herself into the middle of the bed, sitting with several pillows propped behind her back, she motioned to me.
“Come and lay across my lap.”
I did as I was told.
“You are mine. You are my treasure, and I am honored that you trust me enough to be my subbie. I have a special place for you in my heart, and I always will. You are mine, and it pleases me to be able to say that.”
Feeling overwhelmed at this intimacy, at the closeness of her touch, I could not stop the tears that fell down my face before she even raised a hand. I am Hers.
posted by oreo at
09:36
6 Comments:
randi,
I am indeed envious of your situation. You are a lucky girl to have such a dedicated and adoring Domme. You deserve this, without question. I know how hard that can be to believe; trust me, I know. You are a good girl; you have a kind heart and a sharp mind. This has been the reward of fate. Embrace it.
Cheers,
lola
By
macaroon, at 1:37 AM
lola-
i wish that everyone could be as fortunate as i have been in finding someone. sometimes it is very hard for me to believe that i deserve someone as wonderful as G- and sometimes i just marvel that i have been given such a wonderful gift. because i do feel that this relationship is a gift from God, and that G is His way of letting me know that He is looking out for me.
sorry to be so mushy, when i think about what i have with her, it makes me all "hallmark commercial" inside.
By
oreo, at 9:48 AM
i just wanted to say i agree with lola, u are lucky to have what u have with G, some of us never find that connection and u deserve every bit of it, enjoy and cherish every moment!
By
Anonymous, at 7:25 AM
thank you anon. wish i knew who you were so i could make it a more heartfelt thank you. But really, thanks - and i do cherish this relationship i have.
By
oreo, at 11:11 AM
....and that is how my demon knows that unlike you, I will never have what you have, you're special and wanted, all the things that I've never been so you don't need to tell me anymore about talking to a demon inside of me. You wanted me to read your blog, I've read it. Makes me wonder how you or "the other one" EVER thought I could be a threat to your relationship with G and E. Like THAT could ever happen. I'm well and truly happy for all of you, I wish you a long life of happiness together. And yeah, you know who I am, no need to advertise my name.
By
Anonymous, at 11:16 PM
oh pms one...who ever said you could be a threat to my relationship?! i cant speak for "the other one" but i dont feel threatened in this relationship at all. When i told you to read my blog, i was hoping you would read the posts i had written about my demon and understand that i know the battle- and that maybe i could help you with some of the shit you are going through...
we all deal with our shit at different points in our life. all i can ever hope is that as i find ways to deal with mine, i may be able to share that with someone not as far along in the process... my asking you to read this blog was not to feed your demon, but to open your eyes to the fact that the demon is a living, breathing, feeding entity that needs to be squashed.
it sucks that you feel that you can never have what i have. the fact is, unless you stop feeding yourself all the negative stuff, you really wont ever find what you are looking for. the more negative you feed yourself, the more you will have come out of you. If you start feeding yourself positive, then there wont be room for the negative. that is what i am just starting to learn how to do. Hopefully it is something that you will learn to do someday too.
i know how lucky i am to have the relationship i have. i dont take it for granted. i wish others could have the same too. but i cant create those relationships for others. i cant make other people have them. i can only rejoice in the wonderfulness of my own, and maybe share my experiences of growth so that others might benefit from what i am learning. it's up to others if they choose to try and grow, or decide to crawl into a shell and linger.
just because i have been so fortunate to have this wonderful relationship while others have not yet found theirs does not mean i deserve to be punished. just because i have found what i am looking for and others are still searching does not mean that i deserve to be the brunt of someone else's anger and frustration. i wont let those people feed my demons. that is my choice to make, and i choose to make it.
now, before you go reading something into this that isnt there...i do not hate you. i am not mad at you. i am simply telling you the truth as i see it. i am your friend, and i will not be a happy ray of sunshine for you when you are choosing to sit on your pity-pot. there are times when a reassuring hug and a tender word are appropraite- and there will be times when i will provide them for you. This, however, is not one of those times. i love you, and i want you to feel better. i hope to be able to see you grow into the person that you are inside- i only wish that you would allow yourself to realize that too.
ok, i know you told me you had pms when you responded to this blog, but it's my turn to be at the podium. you and i have had enough conversations for me to begin to understand you, and i do understand you to a certain degree. i may not know your entire past, but i know enough to understand how you operate simply becuase we operate so similarly. sucks for you cause i will call you on it...but only cause i care. i wouldnt spend my time if i didnt.
By
oreo, at 6:36 PM
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