More after-thoughts

If you didnt read my post about the TPE, you might wanna, because otherwise the next few may not make sense. As my head continues to wrap around how i feel, i have more to say, and i want to make sure that i say it.

today i am clearer in my mind than i was. although there are still some confusing things i'm trying to understand- like, how is it that i can feel more assertive and self-assured with the world and yet even more submissive with G. She says it makes sense, so i suppose it does, but i'm still struggling to understand it.

right now i feel very protected. i feel like a child, but not like in age-play. i feel like i have the love and protection and guidance from G that is similar to what would be given a child. obviously i am not a child, nor am i acting like one, nor am i expecting to be treated like one- i just have a sense of security like i am loved and cared for and that She will look out for my best interests and continue to help me grow into a person that i really will be able to love. that makes me feel safe.

i feel like i am still in control of my demon. i made supper tonight, and the meat was dry. i feel bad about it, BUT i refuse to beat myself up for it. it was edible, and they said it was good- so that will have to do. i will just have to use more egg and catsup next time. Live and learn. Something like that used to really bring me to such a low point i would almost be dysfunctional, but i realized tonight when those feelings started creeping in that it was the demon trying to regain some strength, so i silently told him to go fuck himself because he was not invited to dinner. i guess he took my advice, cause i was able to smile after that.

everything still isnt totally sorted out in my mind, and i'm sure that i will keep having more thoughts over the next few days. i'll keep on posting them, for me, for G, and for anyone else who may be able to use some of what i am learning to help you on your journey...