Post-TPE thoughts

I’m not really sure where to start, so I suppose I’ll just ramble. Today was really amazing. The flood of emotions that are going through my head make my thoughts all just run together. I couldn’t really be prepared for what was going to happen, and I’m glad that I wasn’t…because the “unknown nausea” faded, and I was pleased to know that my feelings faded from that to complete serenity. Oh, don’t misunderstand me- it didn’t happen all at once- it took all day to get there, but I did finally get there.

The day started with a small list of tasks (a pattern that would repeat itself several more times) followed by a spanking. I was told that this spanking would be the least severe of any I would receive today, and I guess that was the case. It’s actually hard for me to gauge them all because I was in such different head spaces in each of them. I had to take out all the implements for G to use on me. I found 27 of them, but also realized that I was missing at least one hairbrush. (I hope she doesn’t read this and think that we need to redo anything…at that point in the day, I didn’t figure it really mattered. If I had to do it again, I would spend more time finding that last hairbrush). Not much of a warm-up from what I recall, as I said, my head is in sort of a weird space right now. The spankings were short but severe. There were 7 of them over a 6 ½ hour period. That may not seem like a lot, but it was. Miss G mentioned to me that she thought I should have had twice as many, but honestly, I didn’t need it. I could have taken it, but the places we reached in my mind today didn’t require it. What was the hardest part I think was not getting hugged until the very end.

I started today by working on fighting my demon. I realized at some point during the course of this that all the fighting I have done as a “spankee” in the past have been the wrong fights. I have always fought my spanker, thinking that the fight that needed to be “lost” was a battle of wills. But actually, the fight that needed to be won was the fight I have to have with the internal demon that keeps trying to bring me down. I was very focused this morning on telling that demon that he was no longer allowed to be in my head. I was actually talking out loud, and found myself telling the demon that I would no longer be feeding it steak and lobster, and that in fact, I am planning on starving it, and not only will I take pleasure in watching it starve to death, I will bury it and dance on it’s grave! That may not seem like a big deal, but when you have been fighting and losing against a more powerful enemy, the first big step in turning the tide is always the hardest- and today was a HUGE step. In fact, every time ugly thoughts would seep into my head, I would say (out loud) “You cannot be in my thoughts. Miss G is the only one who has the power to be in there. I can fight you, and I will win. No matter what you try and do, or how you try and make me fail, I will succeed. I will beat you because I am stronger than you, and when I feel weak, I can draw on the strength of Miss G to beat you down.” At first I felt kinda weird saying that stuff out loud to the air, but I visualized the demon in me. I saw it for the first time as a big black mass. It reminded me of the “nothing” from the Neverending Story. And I told it that too- I said “you are like the nothing- it feeds off of people, and so do you. But I wont give you that food. I wont let you thrive off me.” And I found that as the morning progressed, the black image was growing smaller and smaller. Miss G says that we put that damn thing into intensive care, and I think she may be right.

As the demon became smaller and smaller, I found myself in a new place. I was no longer battling, I was submitting. In fact, with each spanking, I was chanting a mantra to my self to help me focus. They started as “I give myself to her”, then changed to “I choose her, she chooses me” and finally, in the second half of the second to last spanking, it became “I submit.” I barely noticed or even cared when she used the electric paddle. With the final spanking, I had reached a place where I was submissive in a way I have never been. It’s a calm peace that is flowing through my veins right now, despite the fact that my thoughts are all over the place. I thanked Miss G- it was about an hour after it was over. It was probably the most heart-felt thank you I have ever given, despite the fact that it was quietly said in the middle of the grocery store.