effin demon

i tell you what- every time i start fighting this mother fuckin demon, he fights me back harder. it's almost like he waits for me to think that just maybe i'm getting a little bit of a handle on things, and then whammm-o - the fucker pops back up stronger than ever.

i made a doctor's appt today and went today and my happy pill dosage got bumped up. i took the new dosage, and this fuckin demon is like rejecting it. it's like he is saying "no way am i gonna let you take a stronger dose without fucking with your head!" so, the past few hours, i have been battling within really really hard. i am trying to fight the urges to beat myself up, to be self-destructive...so far, so good...but i dont know just how much more fight i have inside me tonight. i have to keep telling myself that i am a good person, that i am good subbie, that G loves me, that she is proud of me, that she thinks i am worth this fight so that i can believe that too- and im running out of energy to be able to keep telling myself those things. i'm trying so hard to fight and keep this in check, and i feel like i am slipping down a cliff with no safety rope.

BUT i have a safety rope. i have to keep telling myself that G will never ever let me slide off this cliff. and i am telling myself this over and over, and it's kinda workin kinda not. it's almost like i picture myself holding on to her hand and she is helping to pull me up, and just as i start to feel safe again, it's like something is prying my hand off of hers, and i start sliding down the cliff again. so then i start picturing myself with an added rope around my waist- you know like the harness kind- and so that even if our grip slips, i still cant go anywhere...and then, just as i start to find some comfort in that, the fuckin rope starts to fray and break. it's like no matter how hard i try and fight, the fucker keeps getting in there. i'm running out of ideas how to find strength...i'm so tired from this battle- i'm emotionally spent, i am so sad right now and i want to cry, but i can't figure out if the tears are for me or for the mother-fuckin demon. and until i can figure out who the tears are for, i cant let them go. if they are for me, it will be clensing, if they are for my struggle with him, it is him winning a battle, and he cant have that- i wont give it to him...only now, the question is, how do i figure out who the tears are for???

i wont allow myself to brat G or become a pain in the ass to her because the demon has me feeling so beat. i wont give in to the easy route- i wont allow that fucker to make me something im not. my heart is good. my love for G as my Domme is pure. i wont let him fuck with that simply because he feels threatened because i am trying to stop him in my life. the question is, right now i am feeling so vulnerable and scared and weak, how do i fight this battle and win it?????