Please do not comment on this posting
In the interest of not allowing myself to be censored, i am going to repost the original post that caused so much chaos. i ask that you don't comment on it, becuase i am not looking to use it for a forum of anything. i just know that this is my blog- my safe place where i can post my feelings, and so long as i have feelings, i will use my blog to post them as i so choose. things have been resolved and should be settled and over, so i feel confident that i can re-post the original post sans comments and my feelings can be validated once again.
So tired of eggshells
i am so fucking sick and tired of eggshells. for 2 years i put up with Craig's "daughter" cindy and her insane fucking jealousies. i had to keep quiet when he spoke to her on the phone, i had to pretend like i didnt know things i knew, i had to lie to her all the time about where i was, what i was doing, hell, i even had to lie about where i lived. i lied and lied and lied. in fact, i lied to her so much that all the years i spent trying to stop my habitual lying almost got undone. i still have to work and work to keep myself from slipping back into that, and i refuse to go there. i have talked to G about being held accountable to her for all the lying i did, because the guilt eats at me, and i cant stand that. i dont know if i will be or not, but i pray she will at some point soon.
then after all the bullshit with cindy got squared away (mainly since the relationship with Craig fell apart after i moved him and myself to NC), i had to deal with fucked up subbie number 2- G's former who was so insanely jealous it drove her to being dishonest and doing shit like breaking into G's email looking for some great conspiracy against her. obviously she didnt find one, but holy fuck what a pain in the ass. it was horrible for me cause i felt like i was the cause of all her problems, along with feeling like shit for creating issues for G to have to deal with. and now that i have finally gotten past that, there is a person who has all the same jealous bullshit as G's former sub, who in fact was hopeful that G would collar her once the other sub was out of the picture, and gives me shit for "taking" what should have been hers. Now, in all fairness, she has not ever really said that, but pretty much that is what is implied. AND THEN, she gets mad at me for trying to say helpful encouraging things when she presents herself as this fucking pathetic "boo-hoo poor miserable me" person who is just destined to unhappiness all the rest of her days.
ok, now, i know there is one person who might be reading this thinking i could somehow be talking about her, but i can assure you unless your name starts with a c or an a, it is not you. i can truly understand people being envious of what i have with G. Hell, there are times i cant even believe it myself. but for those of you who think that this happened by magic or manipulation, or whatever- well, let me just say this. You are wrong. We fell into each other, and we clicked. Nothing more nothing less. We were both in yukky relationships, we both had a history of things that just didnt work out for one reason or another, and we clicked- we are right for each other. anyone who has ever read my blog knows that i wish everyone could find what they are looking for. but i'll be damned if i'm gonna let anymore insane jealousy bullshit issues keep fucking with my happiness. why the fuck should people who are still searching be able to take away my happiness. they cant. i wont let them have it.
here is what i think.
if you are jealous of someone- get over it. if you are so miserable because you are stuck in a rut and cant get out, if you dont want to really hear the advice, then dont fuckin ask anymore. i'm tired of trying to help by being supportive and trying to relay some of what i have learned or what has helped me to grow and fight these miserable life battles only to be told "you cant understand how hard it is for me because you have someone to help you". Well, to that, i say FUCK YOU. i have worked my ass off for years trying to get healthy. i have had ups and downs, good days and bad, and sometimes i had support, and sometimes not. but either way, i kept on fighting. and if you think that just because a person doesnt live with you, or right next door to you that it means you dont have support- well, that is the biggest cop-out ever. support comes from where you allow it to come from- inside your house, across phone lines, through emails or IMs. just because i happened to move to a place and fall into this relationship does not mean that i am soooo fucking lucky. i had to go through hell to get here. i love where i am, i love my Domme, i love the way my life seems to be heading. but if for one minute anyone thinks i didnt suffer and have shit along the way, then you are sadly mistaken. oh, and if you think that i dont still have shit to deal with, well, i got news for you- i got the beautiful garden and all the fuckin weeds that go with it!
So tired of eggshells
i am so fucking sick and tired of eggshells. for 2 years i put up with Craig's "daughter" cindy and her insane fucking jealousies. i had to keep quiet when he spoke to her on the phone, i had to pretend like i didnt know things i knew, i had to lie to her all the time about where i was, what i was doing, hell, i even had to lie about where i lived. i lied and lied and lied. in fact, i lied to her so much that all the years i spent trying to stop my habitual lying almost got undone. i still have to work and work to keep myself from slipping back into that, and i refuse to go there. i have talked to G about being held accountable to her for all the lying i did, because the guilt eats at me, and i cant stand that. i dont know if i will be or not, but i pray she will at some point soon.
then after all the bullshit with cindy got squared away (mainly since the relationship with Craig fell apart after i moved him and myself to NC), i had to deal with fucked up subbie number 2- G's former who was so insanely jealous it drove her to being dishonest and doing shit like breaking into G's email looking for some great conspiracy against her. obviously she didnt find one, but holy fuck what a pain in the ass. it was horrible for me cause i felt like i was the cause of all her problems, along with feeling like shit for creating issues for G to have to deal with. and now that i have finally gotten past that, there is a person who has all the same jealous bullshit as G's former sub, who in fact was hopeful that G would collar her once the other sub was out of the picture, and gives me shit for "taking" what should have been hers. Now, in all fairness, she has not ever really said that, but pretty much that is what is implied. AND THEN, she gets mad at me for trying to say helpful encouraging things when she presents herself as this fucking pathetic "boo-hoo poor miserable me" person who is just destined to unhappiness all the rest of her days.
ok, now, i know there is one person who might be reading this thinking i could somehow be talking about her, but i can assure you unless your name starts with a c or an a, it is not you. i can truly understand people being envious of what i have with G. Hell, there are times i cant even believe it myself. but for those of you who think that this happened by magic or manipulation, or whatever- well, let me just say this. You are wrong. We fell into each other, and we clicked. Nothing more nothing less. We were both in yukky relationships, we both had a history of things that just didnt work out for one reason or another, and we clicked- we are right for each other. anyone who has ever read my blog knows that i wish everyone could find what they are looking for. but i'll be damned if i'm gonna let anymore insane jealousy bullshit issues keep fucking with my happiness. why the fuck should people who are still searching be able to take away my happiness. they cant. i wont let them have it.
here is what i think.
if you are jealous of someone- get over it. if you are so miserable because you are stuck in a rut and cant get out, if you dont want to really hear the advice, then dont fuckin ask anymore. i'm tired of trying to help by being supportive and trying to relay some of what i have learned or what has helped me to grow and fight these miserable life battles only to be told "you cant understand how hard it is for me because you have someone to help you". Well, to that, i say FUCK YOU. i have worked my ass off for years trying to get healthy. i have had ups and downs, good days and bad, and sometimes i had support, and sometimes not. but either way, i kept on fighting. and if you think that just because a person doesnt live with you, or right next door to you that it means you dont have support- well, that is the biggest cop-out ever. support comes from where you allow it to come from- inside your house, across phone lines, through emails or IMs. just because i happened to move to a place and fall into this relationship does not mean that i am soooo fucking lucky. i had to go through hell to get here. i love where i am, i love my Domme, i love the way my life seems to be heading. but if for one minute anyone thinks i didnt suffer and have shit along the way, then you are sadly mistaken. oh, and if you think that i dont still have shit to deal with, well, i got news for you- i got the beautiful garden and all the fuckin weeds that go with it!
posted by oreo at
10:15
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