So, where in the heck am i?

My mom and my friend Joyce have come for a visit. Mom knows all about my life, Joyce doesn't. My allegiance is to Miss Gretchen, and my time and devotion are to her, and that makes having visitors kinda difficult. It's also hard cause with everything from my dad, i just dont feel like entertaining. i know, it's selfish- and i hate myself right now for feeling that way. i'm trying to be a good hostess, but i am falling short. i know the way i usually am, and where i am right now is just so so so far from what i am used to being. It may be that my inability to give 100% is not as noticed by them, because i am trying very hard to be cheerful and warm and friendly, so maybe what i am giving is adequate...i dont know...but to me it feels like all i have to give is such a small part of me. On the bright side- at least i have something to beat myself up over (tries to offer a small smile here...) i mean, i am always in need of a good reason to beat myself up

And before you ask...yes, i took my happy pill today. i'm noticing that i get more down at night. i'm also noticing that when i have too much time alone with my thoughts (about 15 minutes is enough) i start finding reasons to get down on myself. i think its transference- i'm not allowing me to beat myself up over my dad, so i am focusing on anything else in my life to punish myself for. BUT i also know that it's not my responsibility to punish myself, so the best thing so far is that i have NOT done anything self-destructive physically. And the emotional stuff and mental beating i am writing about here to give control over to where it belongs...not with me.... SO, i suppose that is actually a positive. i'm hurting, i'm feeling sad and inadequate, and i'm getting it out constructively. By writing my blog. Hey, maybe it's a start? Course, that would be too optimistic for me right now, so i have to tell myself that im an idiot for feeling bad in the first place. Ahhh, much better.