Once upon a time
Once upon a time i was depressed and scared and was convinced i had no future. i spent hours and hours reliving sexual abuse and verbal abuse and emotional abuse. i was sure that i would never be loved by anyone for who i was. i thought for sure that the person i was could never be loved without buying my way into someone's life, and even if i was able to buy my way in, once i ran out of money, i was sure that i would not be able to continue being a part of their lives...Depression had overtaken my life, and i was so far in my own self-pity and so paralized by fear to even try and get out of it. i was living for being dead. i was praying that God would put me out of my misery because, after all, what did i have to look forward to?
Fast forward 5 years...
Five years of therapy were starting to help. Starting... but it took me the first three years to even start going for myself. i started out going because someone else wanted me to- i didnt think i was worth the time or the effort, but someone else did, so i went. And i kept going. And sure enough, one day i realized that i was going because i was actually worth the effort. Dont get me wrong- i was still dealing with nightmares and flashbacks, and my self-esteem was still in the ground. BUT, at least it was progress. Two more solid years of struggling and i could actually start to make a list of things i liked about myself. i was ready to try and move forward and put my life together. Nightmares and flashbacks were gone. The voices that haunted me were silent (at least most of the time), and i was no longer living to die.
Fast forward 3 years...
So, now we are in the present. It's not always fun. It's not always pleasant. There are ups and there are downs. Every once in awhile, there are memories that pop up out of no where, or a song on the radio that will trigger a thought or a moment of fear. But i am ok. i can tell myself that the past is the past. That i am no longer controlled by my past, but that instead i control how i relate to my past. Do i always get it right? No. But i find that i can manage my grief and my anger and the tears that used to fill my eyes continually at the thoughts of what was done to me are reserved for people who deserve my tears. If i cry now, it is because i choose to cry. It is because whatever the tears are for are worth my tears. My self-esteem has gotten low again- i'm not sure it was ever all that high to begin with, but it is higher than where it was, and with hard work on my part, and dedication from my Dominant, we will help me find my self-worth. It's burried inside me somewhere, because that is what motivates me to keep on trying to unbury it. i want so much to find it, and i know that in time i will. i can still make a nice long list of things i do well or things i like about myself...and that is a huge success for me. My new goal is to start working on the list of things i don't like- to change the things that hold me back so that i can grow into the person i know i have the potential to be.
Fast forward 5 years...
Five years of therapy were starting to help. Starting... but it took me the first three years to even start going for myself. i started out going because someone else wanted me to- i didnt think i was worth the time or the effort, but someone else did, so i went. And i kept going. And sure enough, one day i realized that i was going because i was actually worth the effort. Dont get me wrong- i was still dealing with nightmares and flashbacks, and my self-esteem was still in the ground. BUT, at least it was progress. Two more solid years of struggling and i could actually start to make a list of things i liked about myself. i was ready to try and move forward and put my life together. Nightmares and flashbacks were gone. The voices that haunted me were silent (at least most of the time), and i was no longer living to die.
Fast forward 3 years...
So, now we are in the present. It's not always fun. It's not always pleasant. There are ups and there are downs. Every once in awhile, there are memories that pop up out of no where, or a song on the radio that will trigger a thought or a moment of fear. But i am ok. i can tell myself that the past is the past. That i am no longer controlled by my past, but that instead i control how i relate to my past. Do i always get it right? No. But i find that i can manage my grief and my anger and the tears that used to fill my eyes continually at the thoughts of what was done to me are reserved for people who deserve my tears. If i cry now, it is because i choose to cry. It is because whatever the tears are for are worth my tears. My self-esteem has gotten low again- i'm not sure it was ever all that high to begin with, but it is higher than where it was, and with hard work on my part, and dedication from my Dominant, we will help me find my self-worth. It's burried inside me somewhere, because that is what motivates me to keep on trying to unbury it. i want so much to find it, and i know that in time i will. i can still make a nice long list of things i do well or things i like about myself...and that is a huge success for me. My new goal is to start working on the list of things i don't like- to change the things that hold me back so that i can grow into the person i know i have the potential to be.
posted by oreo at
15:48
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