all good things...
Well, today i closed the joint account my dad i had in NJ, and took my name off the joint account in NC. It makes me a little sad to think about because i feel like the last part of us is gone. i'm hoping that he and i will still be able to salvage something out of these past two years. i'm hoping that we can have a relationship, but i dont know what that relationship would be. i've given him my blog address in the hopes that he will read all these posts, and maybe it will help us because he will have a little more insight into what is going on inside me. We dont really have time to talk, and time alone with him is awkward right now- for me at least. Neither of us trusts the other- we both have our reasons, and they are all justified. Trust is difficult to rebuild once it is lost, and i dont know how he and i will be able to go forward without it. Is there a way? i'm open to suggestions.
It's been a hard several months as far as my dad is concerned. i feel like he abandoned me when we got to NC, and he knows that. He feels like i surprise attacked him when i took my money out of the bank account- and in some ways i did, but in other ways i didnt. Like i said, we both have our reasons for not trusting each other right now. i've been thinking about what i would need in order to move forward, and honestly, i'm not sure. i mean, what would i need from my dad in order for me to trust him again? Or, do i need to rebuild that trust in order to have a relationship with him? And if i dont rebuild the trust, but we do move forward, what kind of relationship will we have? i dont want to see him at Easter and Christmas and then not have him exist for me the rest of the time. i grew up somewhere along these past two years, and neither he nor i know how to go forward with me being an adult. Again, any suggestions?
*sighs* mostly, i've been doing really really well- i mean, the depression is getting more manageable each day. And there are actually days when i manage not to be depressed. i've started caring about how i look and what i'm wearing and how my hair looks. i havent really ever felt this way about me before. i never felt i was worth it. But there is worth in me, and i need to hold on to that- sometimes i just need help because i can't always trust my grip.
i need a hug.
It's been a hard several months as far as my dad is concerned. i feel like he abandoned me when we got to NC, and he knows that. He feels like i surprise attacked him when i took my money out of the bank account- and in some ways i did, but in other ways i didnt. Like i said, we both have our reasons for not trusting each other right now. i've been thinking about what i would need in order to move forward, and honestly, i'm not sure. i mean, what would i need from my dad in order for me to trust him again? Or, do i need to rebuild that trust in order to have a relationship with him? And if i dont rebuild the trust, but we do move forward, what kind of relationship will we have? i dont want to see him at Easter and Christmas and then not have him exist for me the rest of the time. i grew up somewhere along these past two years, and neither he nor i know how to go forward with me being an adult. Again, any suggestions?
*sighs* mostly, i've been doing really really well- i mean, the depression is getting more manageable each day. And there are actually days when i manage not to be depressed. i've started caring about how i look and what i'm wearing and how my hair looks. i havent really ever felt this way about me before. i never felt i was worth it. But there is worth in me, and i need to hold on to that- sometimes i just need help because i can't always trust my grip.
i need a hug.
posted by oreo at
20:10
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home