Trying to find normal
Well, its been a week since the move. We have kinda unpacked. Briscoe is home. Things are starting to settle down and life is resuming. i'm still taking some serious happy pills to survive, and i get to add to that a bunch of drugs for the massive sinus infection that i have been harboring in my head for the past month.
G has a job interview i think on Monday for what could be a really really great full time job for her. i am going to finish my masters degree and have some part time income on the side. i feel like i keep putting my life on hold for other people, and i dont need to do that. G doesnt want me to do that- she wants me to be true to myself, and i am actually learning how to embrace that idea and delve into my soul and identify what i like. Just....dont ask me what i want to be when i grow up, cause im still not sure. i think im getting closer to me, and that is nice. sometimes it scares me- i mean to be my age and still discovering what i want and what makes me happy- that is sorta nervewracking...but at the same time, it is a precious stage. it is a place that i really can never be again, and i am starting to learn to accept and enjoy and appreciate this discovery process rather than be afraid of it.
i can say this though- i do know that i have a fear of being good at anything. i fear success of anything. i dont really know why. i want to understand it though, so that maybe i can get past it. i'm hoping G might have some great insight into this.... i fear doing well in life. i worry that i will always fall short, and in worrying, i set myself up to fail. i dont want to do that with grad school- i dont want to do that with life. im tired of not ever feeling like i can be good enough- like just when i start to move forward, i put up an obstacle to make myself fail...its a pattern. i have wanted to break it for so long, and have never had the right person in my life to help me....i think that will all change now.
G has a job interview i think on Monday for what could be a really really great full time job for her. i am going to finish my masters degree and have some part time income on the side. i feel like i keep putting my life on hold for other people, and i dont need to do that. G doesnt want me to do that- she wants me to be true to myself, and i am actually learning how to embrace that idea and delve into my soul and identify what i like. Just....dont ask me what i want to be when i grow up, cause im still not sure. i think im getting closer to me, and that is nice. sometimes it scares me- i mean to be my age and still discovering what i want and what makes me happy- that is sorta nervewracking...but at the same time, it is a precious stage. it is a place that i really can never be again, and i am starting to learn to accept and enjoy and appreciate this discovery process rather than be afraid of it.
i can say this though- i do know that i have a fear of being good at anything. i fear success of anything. i dont really know why. i want to understand it though, so that maybe i can get past it. i'm hoping G might have some great insight into this.... i fear doing well in life. i worry that i will always fall short, and in worrying, i set myself up to fail. i dont want to do that with grad school- i dont want to do that with life. im tired of not ever feeling like i can be good enough- like just when i start to move forward, i put up an obstacle to make myself fail...its a pattern. i have wanted to break it for so long, and have never had the right person in my life to help me....i think that will all change now.
posted by oreo at
23:42
1 Comments:
aww hon.. the fear of success was explained to me one time by a school counselor. Not about me, but about my 16 year old son. Ya see.. to be successful means that you feel you can never allow yourself to make a mistake. You are a perfectionist. A perfectionist always fears something that could open themselves up to some kind of doubt.
I also think its a fear of change.. fear of growing, a fear of like you said, succeeding. Because when we succeed at something, people look to us, and we do not want to make a mistake and let them down.
not sure if I made sense. But I hope I did.
love yas hon
tambra
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Anonymous, at 8:16 AM
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