orrie's o

08 January 2006

Not even sure where to start anymore

This has been the week from hell. i am so sad and tired and just not functioning well. Yes, i realize that it is G who is suffering with this breakup, and why on earth should i be feeling this way?? all i can think of is that this year (ok, 2005) was so full of turmoil and just as i was starting to really recover from Craig and that whole debacle, now this.

i love him too. maybe not as deep as G does, certainly not for the same length of time, but i love him. He brought a new dimension to me. When i talk to people about how hard this is for G, well, she was his girlfriend, so her feelings make sense. But who am i in all this? i am her subbie, right, so what should the big deal be? How do i tell people that the depth of what we were was so much more? How do i process that i am losing someone i love in my daily life when i was never anything other than "G's subbie" to the rest of the world? But i wasnt just that- i was more than that. He brought me to places i never knew existed. With G, he taught me to enjoy being a woman, and to allow myself to feel the pleasures that prior to now had only been things i had read about in stories. No, he wasnt mine- not equally to G, but he was still mine. He was someone that i belonged to, although not in the same way i belonged to G. There was so much between us how do i just leave it behind?

First Craig, now E. The first real loves i have ever felt, and they are gone. Just like that. How do i rebound from this again? Twice in one year?? How do i be strong enough for me so that i can be a good subbie for Her?

posted by oreo at 20:42

1 Comments:

  • Constancy

    You knew me
    fragrant with bee-buzzing blossom
    plump with rising juice;
    and then, when summer
    crowded my rustling dress
    to dance me gaily with
    the scudding clouds.
    You knew me
    when autumn's decline
    stripped each leaf
    and shrivelled sap.
    And now, in winter's
    frozen waste, holding
    brittle endurance,
    you know me still.

    Should spring come late,
    or not at all,
    enduring all this
    long bitterness,
    you will not falter.
    -- G. Savage, "Constancy"


    What a challenging season this is for a few of us! I'm always sorry to hear of endings and yet, each ending brings new beginnings. G is so right! Knowing when to leave is a gift, for everyone, and it sounds like G has such a good sense of herself, as well as those around her. Impermanence is a hard reality, I know.

    As inscrutable as I tend to be, please, know that I am thinking of you, as I often do and come to check in with you and G via your blogs, which give me a sense of what goes on in a life, your lives. Your honesty in your blogs always touches and reassures that you are truly ARE strong, such a strong soul. This too shall pass dear randi, it will. Again, I say with pure feeling, I'm so glad you have G and she you.

    If you are able, email me. I am thinking of you guys...and offer a shoulder for you to lean, a word to soothe and ears to hear.

    I send you all the positive energy in the world!

    Take care of each other in this changing time...

    Much affection,

    poiesia

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:03 PM  

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