Catching up

It's taken alot for me to actually sit down and blog this time. It's like i have had to work up to being able to allow myself to hurt and heal and cry and feel everything i need to feel.

when i moved to NC, it was to build a life with a man. Within 2 months of being here, that man was out of my life- now engaged and off living his life. (As an aside, i ran into him last week, and he looked like hell, so maybe he isnt doing all that well.) But before things had fallen apart, i was decorating a house and unpacking and choosing plates and placemats, towels and bathroom schemes. After everything with him fell apart, i spent all my time with G in oxford. In part it was an escape, in part it was healing, but mostly it was finding a new relationship and enjoying it as it grew (which it still does grow...). When everything fell apart, the natural choice was to simply move to Durham and build a life here. And i like that choice. i think it is the right choice. But i am still in the place where i look around and see what Craig and i were supposed to have- what it would have been like with him. Those wounds from him are fresh, and easily opened, and this move has reopened them. And now i'm having to almost do it all over again...what color plates and towels...thankfully G is doing alot of that, cause otherwise it would prolly send me into a downward spiral.

Dont get me wrong, there are no regrets about things, or even wishes that he was still in my life- i am in such a better place without him. i know that. i embrace that. i take delight in that. i guess im just not done healing from all of that. And then to pile on how i feel about everything that has been happening...well, it is very overwhelming. i know that i dont need to pull G through this, or that she needs to lean on me- i know that we just need to be for each other, and most often i can do that. There are times though, that i really need to be her subbie- to be across her lap and be spanked and held and have my hair stroked while she kisses my head and tells me that everything will be ok. And i know that we will get there- that right now my D/s needs are more than she can deal with, but that with each passing day, we will get closer to normalcy.

i'm sorry to be rambling on and on. it's just been awhile and i have all sorts of mixed up stuff that im feeling. im tired and sad and feeling very overwhelmed. But i'm also happy to be home with my family. Peace will come- in time.