Choices

ok, im still sick, but past the venting stage. i realize that i have some choices to make, and im gonna lay them out here to make some sense of the chaos in my mind.

it seems to me that i can choose to be miserable or i can choose to be happy. now, what i have come to understand about myself is that because i am so used to living with misery, existing in happiness is very difficult, almost scary. however, that doesnt mean i am destined to live in misery. oh, i know that i can choose to, but i also know that if i make the choice to be happy, and i learn how to be happy, and i learn how to find comfort and serenity within that, then it seems to me that i wont miss misery- in fact, i will probably get to a place where i wonder how i ever lived with it in the first place.

i have to accept that i cant control my health. i have to accept that even if i do all the right things, i may still be sick. and i have to learn to be ok with that. i have to choose to find the positive even when i feel yukky. i have to realize that just because my body is sick does not mean i have to allow my mind and spirit to follow suit. now, it's always easier to just be miserable, to accept defeat, and to whine to anyone who will listen, and i concede that even in being positive or optimistic there will be times when i might feel down, and i have to accept that as a part of being human. i have to accept that there are things out of my control, and just because they have a negative impact on my physical being does not mean i have to give it power over my mental and emotional being.

i have to choose the things that will make me a person that others will want to be around. even more, i have to choose the things that will make me a person i will want to be around. i know that i have the ability to learn to make those choices, and i also know that i need help in learning. but i am willing to learn.

today i choose me. i choose to learn to be nice to me. i choose to learn to enjoy happiness. i choose to defeat illness rather than let illness defeat me. i choose to allow myself to be led, and helped and taught by others who have walked the path i am just now starting. i choose to live the fullest i can and to learn to live the moments i am in rather than worry about the what-ifs of my mind.

is there a textbook i can buy???